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Bizarre Discoveries, Crazy Exes, and the Worst Use of Fried Chicken Ever

29 Apr

The world is a strange place, which is why I don’t get surprised by stories like these.

The first story is about a 70-year-old Italian man who did get a surprise. The man was feeling in the mood for a little female company, and thought he would hire an escort. In an attempt to be discreet, he decided to look outside his home city of Treviso and find an escort in the neighbouring city of Vicenza. When he met the beauty he received a bit of a shock.

The escort was his son’s girlfriend.

Two things need to be pointed out at this juncture. Firstly, the man did not have a fatal heart attack, which surely would have been on the cards. Secondly, the surprised pair wisely decided not to go ahead with their ‘transaction’.

Given that his son had been under the impression that his girlfriend was a waitress, the man decided to let him know that her employment involved serving more than just pizza and pasta. How did the son react? By fighting his father. Talk about shooting the messenger.

Perhaps the most bizarre part of all is that four years later, the father and son are now in court, because the son is suing the father for injuries sustained during the fight. Finding out your girlfriend is a hooker and getting beaten up by a 70-year-old man? That, my friends, is what you call a bad day.

A little further north, another elderly man made a shocking discovery. Fisherman Bjorn Frilund, 64, caught himself a lovely 5kg cod in the waters off his hometown of Eidsbygda in western Norway. When gutting the fish, Bjorn removed the usual items from its stomach, such as half-digested food, but also removed something he had not seen in a fish in all his years in the trade: a bright orange dildo.

It’s unclear whether the dildo belonged to the fish, the Italian escort, or some other third party, but it certainly gave Bjorn something to talk about at the pub that night. Interestingly, Bjorn told reporters that, “the dildo looks like what the fish eat”. Um, what are they feeding fish in Norway? Or perhaps I should ask what kind of kinky fish do they breed there?

Next time Bjorn, please wear some gloves, okay?

The reports didn’t detail what happened to the dildo. I imagine Bjorn has it tied to the end of a fishing rod in an attempt to catch more cod.

Here’s a tip for anyone wanting to get revenge on an ex-lover: don’t do what Torz Reynolds did. The Londoner had to say goodbye to her boyfriend of two years, Stuart ‘Chopper’ May, because he had to move to Alaska for work. Or so she thought. Soon after their teary airport farewell, she made her own shocking discovery: that Chopper was still living in London, with a girl with whom he had been having a 6 month affair.

Now, it’s fair to say Reynolds made a few mistakes. The first was not changing her name the second she turned 18. (Torz? Really?) The second was dating a guy nicknamed ‘Chopper’. The third was to get a tattoo on her arm that read, ‘Chopper’s Bitch’ (at least she got the apostrophe in there). But her greatest mistake was how she sought revenge on her cheating ex.

Reynolds sliced off her tattoo – skin and all – and mailed it to Chopper.

As Reynolds explains, “I packaged it up so it really did look like a present. I even used different handwriting so he’s have no idea that it was me…I can’t imagine what his reaction was. I wish I could have been there to see it.”

I’m no expert, but my idea of getting revenge does not involve self-mutilation. She didn’t even use anaesthetic! And the worst part is that if her ludicrous actions had any impact on Chopper, she would never know because she wasn’t there to see it.

Photos of Reynold’s ‘gift wrapped’ tattoo. Anyone else surprised she actually got the apostrophe correct?

She says she now has closure, and that Chopper knows “never to mess” with her. Why is that, in case she mutilates herself further? I’m starting to understand why Chopper concocted an elaborate tale of moving overseas to avoid this woman.

Perhaps their relationship would have lasted if this following new product was available when their love was flailing. A florist in Kentucky, US, has partnered with KFC to create a product that frankly should have been on the market for years: a KFC chicken corsage.

In case you are wondering whether your instincts are incorrect, it is exactly how you imagined it: a corsage for the girl to wear to prom that has beautiful baby breath flowers – and a piece of deep fried chicken.

“It goes well with your French fries necklace.”

Whilst your first question is no doubt, ‘Why?’ (if it’s ‘Where can I get one?’ then we have a problem), the next might be, ‘How would you match the corsage to your dress?’ Well there’s good news on that front; the corsages come in Original Recipe, Extra Crispy, or Kentucky Grilled Chicken, so you can accessorise with ease. What I want to know is what happens when you finish eating it. Do you spend the rest of the night with greasy bones dangling off your wrist? Not a good look.

More to the point, what message, exactly, are young men hoping to send their dates with this product? Here’s some chicken to stick to your arm because I know you can’t last until dinner without some saturated fat?

Hopefully the chickens used for the corsages aren’t from Norway, otherwise when the young ladies bite into them, they might discover something inside that will send them an entirely different prom night message.

The Silly Season

19 Jan

They call that magical time around Christmas and New Year’s many things: ‘the festive season’, ‘the holidays’, ‘non-descript religious or secular celebration period’, ‘the festival of bombarding my letter box with junk mail’, ‘how to buy eleven gifts in one shop in 25 minutes-fest’, and many more.

One commonly used term is the ‘silly season’.  Presumably this is to reflect the fact that people do things such as get drunk at their office party, pash the weird person from cubicle 17, and then spew on their boss’ shoes.  However, upon reflecting upon the news of the world during the most recent silly season, I think it goes deeper than that.  In fact, it might be time to update the phrase. Perhaps, ‘I’m embarrassed to live on this planet season’.  You need evidence?  Observe.

Silly Curiosity

In country Victoria, Australia, a man by the name of Laurence found himself stuck in an awkward position.  How awkward?  Try stuck in a top-loader washing machine.  Naked.  To the point that he needed the assistance of rescue services to get him out.

Yes, just before jumping into the shower, a naked Laurence wondered whether he could fit into his washing machine, or as he put it, he “decided to have a bit of sneaky fun while in the nude”.  Possibly the first person to decide that loading himself into a washing machine is the preferred method of having sneaky fun in the nude, Laurence soon found out that he indeed could fit into the machine.  Unfortunately just a little too snuggly.

This is what happens when you put men in charge of the washing.

This is what happens when you put men in charge of the washing.

For reasons impossible to guess, Laurence had brought his mobile phone with him, so when he realised he was stuck, he called a female friend for help.  As could be expected, when he told her that he was stuck naked in a washing machine, she didn’t believe him.  He eventually managed to convince her, at which point he instructed to call his parents to bring an angle grinder to slice the washing machine in half, or otherwise the emergency services.  She chose the latter, probably wisely depending on how accurate his parents are with an angle grinder.

At first the rescue teams tried greasing Laurence with shower conditioner and olive oil, but to no avail.  After twenty minutes, most of which I assume was spent gawking in amazement and trying to get Laurence to explain what he was really doing, they managed to get him out by tipping the washing machine over and watching him slide out.

Needless to say no one will ever want to wash their clothes in that machine again.

Silly Mistake

Some felons in Germany obviously partied a bit too hard over the New Year’s period, as they made a mistake so silly it was criminal.

Workers at five separate stores in and around Berlin were unpacking crates of bananas to stock their shelves, only to make an unusual discovery.  The crates contained not only bananas, but also a collective 140 kilograms (309 pounds) of cocaine.  Talk about a fruit salad with a kick.

Don't put these bananas in your kids' lunchbox.

Don’t put these bananas in your kids’ lunchboxes.

The head of Berlin’s anti-drug squad looked into the unusual deliveries and discovered that the crates had come from Columbia via Hamburg.  Squad member Olaf Schremm said that the smugglers had probably made “a logistical error”.  Given that the drugs had a street value of 6 million Euros, that’s one heck of an error.  Upon hearing the news the head of that drug ring no doubt went bananas.

Silly Lawsuit

We’ve shown a lot of silly lawsuits lately here on Hesaidwhatnow? but it seems they just keep coming.  A man by the ridiculous name of Sirgiorgiro Clardy from Oregon, US, was given a whopping 100-year jail term for a range of crimes, among them stomping on a man’s face with a pair of Nike shoes for failing to pay for a prostitute Clardy was pimping.  To demonstrate that he was not only a quality citizen but a cautious and thoughtful litigant, Clardy then filed a lawsuit that’s probably the dumbest of the year so far.

He sued Nike $100 million for failing to label his shoes as “dangerous weapons”.

Yes, Clardy clearly feels as though his violent stomping assault of the victim was as much Nike’s fault as his own, as they did not warn consumers that their products could be used as a weapon.

These Nikes may look cute, but they are MORE DEADLY THAN GUNS!!!

These Nikes may look cute, but they are MORE DEADLY THAN GUNS!!!

As Clardy explains in his typically well written lawsuit, “Under product liability there is a certain standard of care that is required to be upheld by potentially dangerous product… [Due] to the fact that these defendants named in this Tort claim failed to warn of risk or to provide an adequate warning or instruction it has caused personal injury in the likes of mental suffering.”  I think the mental problems started long before Clardy got his hands on a pair of Nikes.

Hopefully we’ll never have to read on the side of a box of Nike shoes, “Warning: These shoes can be dangerous if used to stomp in the head of someone who refuses to pay for a trick.”  Pimping ain’t easy.

Silly Headline

Speaking of classy people from Oregon, US, 37-year-old Oregonian man Andrew Frey had a little too much fun a few days before Christmas, resulting in the following actual headline, which made me do a double take when I read it:

“Meth user fights off 15 police officers ‘while masturbating in a bar’.”

Fighting off 15 police officers is a fair effort.  Doing so whilst masturbating?  That’s amazing.  Disgusting, but amazing.

Picture this (actually don’t, because it’s gross): Mr Frey, high on meth, exposed himself to a bartender at Iggy’s Bar & Grill before he began to pleasure himself.  He moved his ‘activities’ to the bathroom before the police were called onto the scene.

Before 15 officers from three different forces finally subdued the offender, Deputy Peter Walker arrived on the scene alone and had a lot of trouble stopping Frey.  According to the official police statement, Deputy Walker used a Taser on Frey “multiple times but it had no effect”.  Are we sure this guy isn’t the Hulk’s more perverted brother?

He was eventually brought down and charged with public indecency, resisting arrest and theft of services, but at least Frey will always truthfully be able to say that he beat off the police one-handed.

On reflection I probably shouldn’t have used the phrase, “beat off”.  That was a bit silly.  ‘Tis the season though.

Random Objects Saving Lives

21 Aug

Life is a funny thing.  You could be going about your day the same as any other, when danger suddenly decides to pay you a visit.  Next thing you know you are faced with an armed robber, a runaway train, or a horde of sharks pummelling down at you from a tornado.

When confronted with unexpected life-threatening danger, there’s usually only one thing that can save you: dumb luck.  Here is a collection of people who survived near-death experiences with no thanks to skill or quick thinking, but to random objects saving their lives.

The first story takes us to Brazil, where 58-year-old Ivonete Pereira hopped aboard a bus in Salvador, the capital of Bahia.  There had been frequent bus attacks in the region, so Pereira decided to hide her money.  Her caution was justified when two men announced that they were about to rob the bus.  A shootout ensued with a police officer on the scene, and a stray bullet hit Pereira in the chest.  It would most certainly have been a fatal blow…

…except that the bullet struck the wad of bank notes Pereira had stuffed into her bra.

Pereira’s secret wad of hidden money absorbed enough of the impact of the bullet that her life was saved, although she still had to be taken to hospital to have the bullet removed.  It seems that money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a reprieve from death.  It’s also an alternative to surgery when looking to achieve a fuller, perkier look.

This smart lady is taking sensible measures that could save her life.

This smart lady is taking sensible measures that could save her life.

Amazingly that isn’t the only case of money stopping a bullet.  Elizabeth Pittenger, 22, had just stepped into her truck on campus at Middle Tennessee State University, US, when a man pulled a gun on her and demanded her phone, purse and laptop.  Pittenger refused to give up her possessions, and in an unorthodox move to avoid danger, got out of the truck “to keep a struggle going”.

She got what she hoped for, the man shooting her with a .38 calibre revolver, before fleeing the scene.  Even though she was shot from just four feet away, Pittenger survived, thanks to a random object.  Like most women, Pittenger was carrying an oversized purse chock full of an assortment of items (most of which she probably never uses – am I right?!).  Thanks to being so full of junk, the bullet was lodged in her purse and didn’t even make it through the other end, acting, as it were, like a bulletproof vest.  Some of the contents of her purse included a calculator, umbrella, a sunglasses case, and a bullet.  Accessorising can not only make or break an outfit, but also the trajectory of a deadly projectile.


A typical woman's bag.

A typical woman’s bag.

Juan Camarena was also shot at close range and lived to tell the tale.  Camarena, 54, was sweeping the floor of an apartment building in Harlem, New York, after being hired by the building’s new superintendent.  Unfortunately for him, the building’s old superintendent was not happy about being fired, and showed up to the building to confront his replacement.  Seeing Camarena instead, the man kindly suggested that he, “Get the [fudge] out of here.”  Camarena continued with his work, and so the man pulled out a gun and shot him from 5 feet away.

Camarena didn’t have an oversized purse over his shoulder, or a bra to stuff a wad of notes in (probably) so how did he survive?  The bullet struck his mobile phone.  Talk about a close call!  The gunman fled without capture.  Camarena would have called 911, but…

David Fitzherbert of West London was enjoying a spot of skiing in Switzerland when he almost suffered an untimely death.  He was skiing down a glacier on Switzerland’s Matterhorn when the snow gave way beneath him, causing him to plummet 20m down a crevasse.  He was about to fall through the bottom and plunge to his death, when the gap narrowed.  The gap was just large enough that Fitzherbert would have fallen through, but he survived.  How?  He had his BlackBerry mobile phone in his jacket pocket, and it caught on a ledge, preventing him from falling.  No doubt it was the only time Fitzherbert had been happy to be put on hold.

We've all been in this situation before.

We’ve all been in this situation before.

The BlackBerry was sturdy enough to keep Fitzherbert safely wedged within the crevasse for two whole hours until he could be rescued.  Not only that, but after being taken to the hospital (Fitzherbert broke his jaw, cracked a rib, smashed his teeth, and almost had his nose completely torn off) he was able to use his phone to call his wife and let her know that not only was he alright, he had never been more grateful to be stuck on the phone.

Perhaps the greatest example, however, of being saved by a random object happened in 2011. Israeli “model and actress” (if you know what I mean) Orit Fox was appearing on countryman DJ Shmulik Tayar’s radio show.  As part of the show, Fox was fondling and licking a poisonous snake (as you do).  It’s not clear whether the snake realised it was being handled by one of its mortal enemies – the Fox – or whether it was aroused by the fondling and thought it would reciprocate, but the snake lashed out at the model.

And latched on to her breast.

I know what you’re thinking, and yes, that’s hilarious.  But it was also life threatening; or at least it would have been had Fox not been saved by a random object.

Her breast implants.

Yes, Fox’s ginormous, perfectly shaped breasts were not, as it turns out, natural, and the extra padding bore the brunt of the snake’s fangs, leaving Fox’s breasts untouched (a situation that doesn’t occur very often for Fox I’m sure).

The tale does have a sad ending however.  A few days after the incident, the poor snake passed away, dying from poisoning.  In a complete turn of the tables, the snake was poisoned from a most unlikely source: Fox’s silicone implants.  Yes, the snake punctured Fox’s implants and the leaking silicon killed it.  Talk about having a killer body.

If only the snake had a wad of cash or a phone in its mouth it might still be alive.  Perhaps its memory lives on – as an oversized purse.

A Joining of Titans

8 Aug

Something unusual happened in New York yesterday that has baffled many people.  However, upon examining the evidence to hand, I have determined that this seemingly random event has a perfectly understandable, and awesome, explanation.  Sit down and put on a helmet – I’m about to blow your mind.

Yesterday a commuter on New York’s subway, identified only as ‘Mary M’, stepped into a carriage in Manhattan and immediately noticed something was wrong: there was an unusual odour on the train.  Now of course something would be wrong if there wasn’t an unusual odour on the train – we’re talking the New York Metro here – but as Mary M described the stench, “It’s not the typical urine/trash smell, it’s…fishy.”

Let’s overlook the fact that the New York subway normally smells of human waste, bodily or other, and focus on what Mary M saw.  “I look down to the end of the car,” she said, “to see a dead shark on the floor.  I think I stood there for a good minute just staring, thinking ‘Is this for real?  Oh come ON, NYC!’”  (I love Mary M!)  Sure enough though, there was a dead shark sitting on the floor of the carriage.  That’s weird, even by New York standards.

"So buddy, did you catch the Knicks game last night?"

“So buddy, did you catch the Knicks game last night?”

When asked how it would dispose of the dead shark, a Metropolitan Transportation Administration official stated, “Live sharks are wrangled by Shark Maintainer IIs, who have passed the qualification test and have minimum three years in the Shark Maintainer I title.  Dead ones are handled by Shark Maintainer Is, or if none are available on that shift, then by Aquatic Mammal Handler IIs.” Typical New York smart ass.

The shark was in fact disposed of, but no one knows how it came to be on the New York Metro in the first place (especially without a ticket).  As Mary M might say, something smells fishy.

The answer, however, is obvious.

Less than a month ago, US’s SyFy channel aired what is widely considered one of the decade’s top ten movies about sea-dwelling creatures in airborne weather patterns, Sharknado.  Due to the social media attention it garnered, it wasn’t long before a sequel was announced.  Not much has been revealed about the sequel to date, but we do know one thing: it will be set in New York City.

Mystery solved.

Yes, this dead shark on the Metro MUST be a publicity stunt for Sharknado 2: Sharks and the City (my early vote for the movie’s title).  Not only that, it could be a clue for what might happen in the film.

The only other fact about Sharknado 2: Biting the Big Apple that we know, besides its intended 2014 release date, is that Tara Reid will not be back to reprise her role of April Wexler, estranged wife of chainsaw-wielding, jumping-into-sharks’-mouths hero, Fin (played by Ian Ziering).  This means that there will need to be a new cast of actors, a new band of heroes.

"What? I'm not good enough to be in Sharknado 2?  This is a new low for me."

“What? I’m not good enough to be in Sharknado 2? This is a new low for me.”

Now, should it be the case that part of Sharknado 2: Some Fin in the Air is that the sharks will find themselves on the New York subway, as this incident seems to indicate, who would be a suitable actor to fill the void left by the departure of Reid’s vacant stare?  It would have to be someone unafraid of dealing with terrifying beasts, and preferably someone who has experience dealing with them on transport.

Of course!  There’s only one man for the job: Neville Flynn, aka Samuel L. Jackson’s character from Snakes on a Plane!

What better choice to be Ziering’s wingman than the furious Jackson?  Even their characters’ names are similar: Fin and Flynn!

And who wouldn’t want to hear Jackson, chainsaw in hand, scream out, “Enough is enough!  I have had it with these muthaf*ckin sharks on this muthf*ckin train!”  The answer: no one.  Except maybe Tara Reid.

He's not saying 'fudge'.

He’s not saying ‘fudge’.

I, for one, cannot wait for Sharknado 2: Sharks on a Train.  As the original Sharknado poster brashly stated: enough said.

A World Full of Cheats

5 Aug

I think it was the Dalai Lama that once said, “Cheating is what separates us from the animals,” moments before he swindled Desmond Tutu in a game of high stakes poker.  As humans, sometimes we can’t help it (some more than others – cough, cough, Lance Armstrong, cough) but in recent weeks there have been some people in the news for cheating (or almost cheating) in the most ludicrous of ways.

First comes a man who cheated the system.  Lenin Carballido narrowly won the mayoral election of San Agustin Amatengo, a village near the colonial city of Oaxaca in southern Mexico, and was all set to take up public office.  I know what you’re thinking, but no – Carballido did not rig the election to cheat his way into office.  There was a different problem.

Carballido was dead.

Well, strictly speaking – from a purely scientific perspective – Carballido wasn’t actually dead, insofar as he was technically alive.  However a death certificate had surfaced, indicating that he supposedly had died in 2010 of a diabetic coma.  A slight problem if someone wants to take office.

"I can't believe that worked!"

“I can’t believe that worked!”

It turns out that Carballido had forged his death certificate in order for his family to convince police to drop an arrest warrant against him.  It had worked – until Carballido was stupid enough to run for the most public role in the town and think no one would be suspicious that he also was legally dead.  Not the smartest mayoral policy.

In a bizarrely analogous story of people being both dead and alive, doctors at St Joseph’s Hospital in Syracuse, New York, were about to operate on a dead woman in order to harvest her organs.  Just as the doctors were about to remove her organs, the woman, Colleen Burns, woke up.  Now a zombie, Colleen rampaged through the hospital, killing innocent people and eating their brains.  OK, that bit’s not true, but she did wake up on the operating table moments before being carved open, surprising everyone.

Burns was lucky to cheat death, but the hospital is now under investigation after it was discovered that there were several things that could have indicated to a talented doctor, if he or she were observant enough, that Burns was in fact not as dead as was claimed.  For example, the day before the operation her toes moved in response to a reflex test.  Also, her nostrils flared on the way to the operating room, indicating that she was breathing independently.  Her lips and tongue were also moving.  I don’t claim to be a doctor, but I would be fairly confident that these are signs of a living person.

The good news is that a spokesman for the hospital stated that they have learned from the experience and “modified our policies”.  I assume that the modified policy is along the lines of “don’t harvest organs from living people”.

Possibly Colleen Burns.

Possibly Colleen Burns.

In Japan, men and women all over the country are trying to cheat fate, and doing so in a peculiar manner: by having surgery on their hands.  How does that work exactly?  The trend relies on the ancient practice of palmistry, the belief that someone’s future can be read by looking at the lines on their palm.  So people who don’t like their future are having surgery to extend or add lines, thus altering their destiny.

Apparently men are interested in changing their business and financial lines, whereas women are most interested in changing their marriage lines.  Robin Thicke is interested in blurred lines.

Dr Matsuoka of Shonan Beauty Clinic’s Shinjuku branch said that you cannot perform the surgery with a laser, as it “heals, and it won’t leave a clear mark.”  Instead he performs surgery with an “electric scalpel and make a shaky incision on purpose, because palm lines are never completely straight.”  Ouch.  And so it is that many people try to improve their future health and finances by booking themselves in for a painful surgical procedure that will cost them $1100.  That makes perfect sense.

In the US, there was an interesting story about a man trying not to cheat.  Melissa Nelson, 33, had worked as a dental assistant to James Knight for a decade, before Knight fired her.  Nelson was a diligent worker who was very good at her job, but Knight felt that he had no choice but to dismiss her, on account of the fact that she was too attractive and he was worried he would have an affair.  Looks like the only occasion where it wouldn’t pay to be a ‘model employee’ (pun!).

Nelson sued Knight, but the Iowa Supreme Court upheld the District Court’s original ruling that such firings do not count as illegal sex discrimination because they are motivated by feelings rather than gender.   Following that logic, I expect a spike in other firings motivated by feelings in the workplace.  Of hatred and annoyance.

The case also raises another question.  How does it make the other members of Knight’s all-female staff – including Nelson’s replacement – feel?  It must be the only workplace in the world where staff are offended if they don’t get fired.

The most blatant cheating of recent weeks, however, happened in Nigeria, and it didn’t even involve an email seeking bank account details.  Two amateur soccer teams, United Feeders and Police Machine (awesome names!), were fighting it out in a tournament to get promoted to the Nationwide League Division 3, Nigeria’s lowest professional league.  As both teams had the exact same records and the exact same for and against, the team that won their final game by the most goals would score the coveted promotion to the professional league.  In a very, very subtle ploy to be the successful team, Police Machine won their game 67 – 0.  Not a typo – that’s 67 goals!  Given that they had scored a combined two goals in their other two games, the result raised some eyebrows.

"Oh no!  I totally let in another goal!  Oh darn it."

“Oh no! I totally let in another goal! Oh darn it.”

I don’t think there could have been any way that they could have cheated more blatantly.  Oh wait – apparently there is a way.  United Feeders won their game 79 – 0.  That’s almost a goal a minute!  And the score was only 7 – 0 at halftime, so in the second half they scored a goal every 40 seconds!!!  It comes as no surprise that both teams – and their opponents – are being investigated for cheating.  Although it is Nigeria so maybe it is a little surprising.

The only way that officials could have missed the fact that these teams were cheating would have been if they worked at St Joseph’s Hospital.  Next time they want to win, the teams should just have palm surgery on their success lines.

Not Doing Your Job Properly

2 Jul

People make mistakes at work all the time: turning up to a meeting with lettuce in your teeth, slamming the boss in an email and accidentally sending it to the whole office, or only realising at 3pm that you haven’t been wearing pants all day.

Given the monotony of working life, most of these mistakes are forgivable.  However this last fortnight there seemed to be a lot of mistakes made on the job that go beyond the ordinary levels of incompetence.  Put it this way: these particular mistakes involved free money, dead people, and unicorns.  I’m not even kidding.

The first workplace blunder occurred in Germany, where a bank worker took an inopportune time to have a nap.  The worker was supposed to make an online transfer of 62.40 Euros to a client, no doubt a simple and menial task.  However, the employee “fell asleep for an instant, while pushing onto the number 2 key on the keyboard.”  As a result the small transfer became a whopping 222,222,222.22 Euro payment.  If only he fell asleep on the 9 key.

The best part is that the employee’s boss, who didn’t even have the lame excuse of being asleep, authorised the transaction despite the mammoth error.  The boss got fired for his oversight, although Germany’s employment court later had him reinstated.  It’s quite possible that the Judge fell asleep and accidentally hit the ‘unfair dismissal’ button.

Don't put this guy in charge of entering the nuclear launch sequence.

Don’t put this guy in charge of entering the nuclear launch override sequence.

If you think that was a big oversight, try this one on for size.  An iFly Airbus 330-300 touched down at a Moscow airport where maintenance workers discovered something in the wheel well: nothing unusual – just a dead man. How the man managed to get into the wheel well unnoticed was one thing, but the scary thing is that he stayed there for no less than seven – seven!!! – flights before being found.  Either that guy was the best hide and seek player of all time, or the iFly team need to take a serious look at how they do business.  If you accidentally leave nail clippers in your carry-on baggage six different people will discover it before you even make it on board.  Stow away in the wheel well and no one will notice for seven flights.

Actually, maybe attention to detail isn’t quite as high a skill in the aviation industry as one might think.  In Turkey, the Harris family went through customs without a hitch, ready to start their holiday.  Whilst normally that wouldn’t be a problem, in this instance it was a little unusual, given that the passport 9 year old Emily used to go through customs was that of her toy unicorn.

To summarise events: mum and dad present their passports, their passports are inspected by Turkish customs officials, they get their passports stamped.  So far so good.  Next mum accidentally hands her daughter’s toy’s fake passport to customs instead of the real thing.  The passport is twice the size of a normal passport.  It has a giant golden teddy bear on it.  It also, inside, has a picture OF A PURPLE FREAKIN’ UNICORN!!!  The official inspects it, even asks Emily her age, and then stamps it, ushering the family through.

There are only two possible explanations for this.  One is that the official was, in huge quantities, some combination of bored, distracted, or incompetent.  Two is that Emily is purple and has a horn protruding from her forehead.  Either way, something is not right here.  When asked by a reporter if she thought the story was funny, Emily stomped the ground with her hoof twice and then healed the reporter with her magic tears.  It hasn’t been confirmed whether or not the toy unicorn has been travelling on Emily’s passport.

The resemblance is uncanny.

The resemblance is uncanny.

Finally an example of someone doing their job correctly, albeit in the most unusual manner possible.  The Spanish town of Brunete, near Madrid, was having a problem with some of its citizens.  Specifically citizens who allowed their pet dogs to leave smelly ‘presents’ on the pavement without picking them up.

The Brunete Council came up with a radical solution: they mailed the dog doo-doo back to the owners.  Talk about junk mail.

The method of tracking down the culprits is actually quite clever.  Council officials would patrol the streets, and if they saw an owner failing to ‘scoop the poop’, they would strike up a friendly conversation with them and find out the name and breed of their dog.  With that information they could identify the owners through the town’s pet database, and send the offending deposits to them in a package marked ‘lost property’.  It is not known whether the packages were set alight and left on the owners’ doorsteps before their doorbell was rung.

Interestingly the Brunete Council sent a ‘package’ to the owners of iFly, but it had little effect – they still haven’t found it.

Creative Ways to Beat the Economic Crisis

15 Jun

In these tough economic times, people are having to be more and more creative to make ends meet.  However some are more creative than others.

Natalie Dylan, a 22 year old from San Diego, was looking for a way to raise money to pay for a university degree.  Her solution?  Auctioning her virginity.  Yep, she picked up the phone and called the Moonlite Bunny Ranch brothel in Nevada (“the Classy State”) who were accepting online bids for the unique prize.

An actual sign outside the Moonlite Bunny Ranch

And how much does it cost to have a bite at the cherry so to speak?  The winning bid was a staggering $5.4 million.  Financial crisis my ass.  For that sort of money she’d better cook a damn good breakfast the next morning.  I’d be stealing robes and bath soaps from her house as well.

Natalie said that she got the idea after watching her sister raise money for her own university degree.  Don’t worry, I know what you’re thinking but no, Natalie’s sister didn’t do anything as crazy as auctioning her virginity.  She simply became a prostitute for three weeks.  Mr and Mrs Dylan must be so proud.

A Danish woman has come up with an even more bizarre way to beat her economic blues.  The unnamed 61 year old entered a Nordea Bank branch in Svendborg, Denmark, and handed over 2000 Kroner of Swedish bills.  The bank teller then exchanged the money for 1400 Danish Kroner.  Nothing unusual about that… except that the bills the woman handed over were from the game Monopoly.  Wow.  Here’s hoping banks worldwide adopt a similar policy.

The bank’s manager, Ulrik Feveile, was quoted as saying that, “As long as humans are involved, mistakes will happen”.  I think that even if a monkey was working at the bank that day it would not have made that particular error.

Mr Feveile defended his employee, calling him an “inexperienced” bank teller as though that absolved him from accepting as legal tender a small piece of funny coloured paper with ‘Monopoly’ and ‘Parker Brothers Games’ written on it.  Any more “inexperienced” and he’ll start taking money made from chocolate.  I reckon if I turned up with a sack full of dirty laundry he’d accept it as long as it had a big green dollar sign painted on the side.

Having evidently rolled a double and feeling lucky, the woman returned to the same branch the next day and tried the scam again, only to get caught by the bank teller (who presumably was more “experienced” than his colleague) and promptly arrested.  She was sent directly to jail and was not allowed to pass Go.

The woman has reportedly told authorities that she was forced into the counterfeit operation by a third party.  Police are currently on the look out for a man with a large white moustache wearing a top hat, tails and a monocle.  A stake out is planned on the corner of Mayfair and Park Lane.

Do not approach this man – he is considered armed and dangerous.

The real victim of this crime?  The poor bastard who went to the ATM to withdraw cash and instead received Monopoly money.  The only thing worse than that would be coming second in a beauty contest.

As for the woman, she was charged for theft with bail set at $20,000 Kronor.  Rumour has it that to raise bail she has contacted the Moonlite Bunny Ranch to auction her virginity.

Don’t Treat Your Junk Like Junk

8 Jun

This is a public service announcement: don’t do what these guys have done.  The fact that some people need to be warned against this is a sad, sad indictment of humankind.

First of all I refer to an article I read about Le Xing.  Le Xing is a Hong Kong man who was forced to call police when a certain part of his body* got stuck in the park bench he was trying to have sex with.  If you need to read that sentence again to verify that you read it correctly I don’t blame you.  I also don’t blame you if you’re too busy wincing in pain to do so.

I imagine that if a question on Family Feud was “Things that feel good to put your junk in”, the answer “a park bench” would not win you any points.  At best you’re dealing with rigid metal or plastic.  At worst, you’re pulling out splinters.  Either way, getting caught in amorous entanglement with a bench is not something you should ever be at risk of.  It is far more embarrassing than even this:

“We’ll just tell your mother that we ate it all…”

In his defence Le Xing met the bench in an online chat forum where it described itself as “single, stable and a lover of the outdoors” but still, one should exercise some judgment before walking down that path, otherwise you’ll find yourself being taken to hospital with eight feet of park bench still attached to you, and let’s face it, that cannot be comfortable.

The crazy thing about Le Xing is that he isn’t a one-off case.  A Malaysian man also had to have emergency surgery to remove a metal nut from around a certain part of his body**.  Unlike his Hong Kong counterpart, this man (who, in an uncharacteristic display of wisdom, kept his name out of the press) wasn’t trying to screw the nut, so to speak, rather he was trying to ‘lengthen himself’ in anticipation of his wedding night.  In the end, however, he had to have blood drained from his member and a layer of skin cut off, so I think it’s safe to say he not only ‘shortened himself’, he probably shortened the length of his wedding night too.

The moral of the story?  Don’t treat your junk like junk.

*his penis

**also his penis

Double Check Those Internet Pics

5 Jun

A couple of news stories caught my eye this week that involved photos on the internet and funny errors of judgement.  Usually when you hear the words “errors of judgment” and “photos on the internet” it’s safe to assume the words “naked” or even “Tiger Woods” would also be involved.  Not so in this case; there is no nudity involved, although the first story comes close.

The audio-visual web magazine Theories of the Deep Understanding of Things decided to undertake an experiment on Facebook in protest to the social networking site’s terms of service.  They posted the below photo on their Facebook page, knowing full well that on first glance it looks as thought the woman reclining in the bath is exposing an ample breast, when in fact it is merely her elbow being exposed.

Those elbows are at least double Ds

Those elbows are at least double Ds

Sure enough, Facebook took down the photo and sent a notice to Theories that they were in breach of its terms.  Theory confirmed: if your elbow looks like a nipple, don’t be posting photos of yourself sticking those things out like a hussy or the photo will be removed.  Facebook did, however, post an apology and reinstate the photo once the error was brought to the media’s attention.  But still, if you can’t tell the difference between those body parts, you’re doing something wrong.  Maybe Facebook should employ some 13 year old boys – they can spot a nipple from two time zones away.

Another error that involved pictures on the internet came when a girl named Vanessa sent an email to a company advertising for staff.  Vanessa expressed her interest in the position and attached her resume.  Except instead of her resume, she accidentally attached a picture of Nicolas Cage looking extremely unhinged even for him.

I'm acting!

I’m acting!

No word on whether she got the job, but that email is a National Treasure.

Outstanding Outsourcing

31 May


Sometimes it’s efficient to outsource work to others.  Sometimes it’s funny too.  And apparently anything can be outsourced these days if you have a little imagination and next to no dignity.

The first example comes from China, where a concerned father named Mr Feng was worried that his son, Feng Xiao, was wasting his life by spending too much time playing computer games.  Instead of confronting his son, however, Mr Feng opted to outsource his parenting.

He hired assassins to kill his son.

Now that might seem a little over the top, except that the assassins were charged with the task of killing Feng Xiao’s online avatar.  Mr Feng’s theory was that if his son’s online persona was killed, he would be unable to play computer games, get bored, and then try to find a job.  Actually, that is a little over the top.

Cold blooded killers.  Sort of.

Cold blooded killers. Sort of.

This sounds logical in theory – ridiculous, but logical – except that there was one small problem.

Feng Xiao was too good.

Despite being ganged up on and outnumbered by the virtual hit-men, Xiao could not be killed, his countless hours at the computer finally proving useful.  After repeated attempts to kill him failed, Xiao eventually confronted the hired guns who – in true geek fashion – cowardly broke down and revealed everything.  Xiao then told his father that he was not addicted to gaming and was just waiting for the right job to come up.  At this point I’m thinking he should give being an online assassin a go.

Over in Japan, the Tama Zoological Park outsourced the job of being an animal.  Luckily this didn’t mean that patrons who visited the zoo paid good money to see humans posing as animals (although I’ve seen a few people who could probably get away with doing that in the monkey enclosure).  Rather, the zoo wanted to conduct emergency tests to practice its response to the escape of dangerous animals.  So it got an employee to dress as a zebra and ‘break free’.

After a pretend earthquake broke down the wall to the enclosure, the ‘zebra’ ran loose.  Luckily, it was captured with the aid of a net and tranquilizers.  I’m hoping to use similar techniques in my workplace.

When asked what advice he would give to the next person to play an escaped animal, the zebra, Mr Tanaka, said, “I’d have to warn them that the inside does indeed become a bit stinky with sweat and so they should think about how to deal with that.”  Personally I’d be more concerned with how to deal with being attacked by tranquilizers.

I wonder if this was in the job description?

I wonder if this was in the job description?

Finally, a man in the USA almost pulled off the best bit of outsourcing ever.  A US critical infrastructure company discovered that the traffic logs for its best programmer showed a regular series of logins to the company’s main server from Shenyang, China.  Worried about a security breach, the company investigated a little further to find out what was going on.

As it turns out there wasn’t a security breach.  Phew.  Nothing to worry about.  Except for the fact that what had actually happened was that the programmer had outsourced his job to a Chinese software consultancy which was logging in to the company’s server to do the programmer’s work remotely, allowing the programmer to swan about on the internet all day.

What a genius move.  The programmer was paying his Chinese subcontractor a fifth of his six-figure salary, enabling himself to basically chill out at work all day – kind of like he was management.  The best part was that he regularly won awards for being the firm’s top coder even though he never did a lick of work himself.

Foolishly, he saved hundreds of invoices on his desktop, and a further analysis of his workstation showed that his typical work day consisted of the following:

9:00 a.m. – Arrive and surf Reddit for a couple of hours. Watch cat videos

11:30 a.m. – Take lunch

1:00 p.m. – Ebay time

2:00-ish p.m – Facebook updates, LinkedIn

4:30 p.m. – End-of-day update e-mail to management

5:00 p.m. – Go home

In fact, the scheme was working so well, that it was discovered that he had taken jobs with other firms and outsourced them too.

Not surprisingly, the programmer no longer works with the firm.  I hear that he is looking into the pretend zebra industry.