Tag Archives: stupid criminals

The Silly Season

19 Jan

They call that magical time around Christmas and New Year’s many things: ‘the festive season’, ‘the holidays’, ‘non-descript religious or secular celebration period’, ‘the festival of bombarding my letter box with junk mail’, ‘how to buy eleven gifts in one shop in 25 minutes-fest’, and many more.

One commonly used term is the ‘silly season’.  Presumably this is to reflect the fact that people do things such as get drunk at their office party, pash the weird person from cubicle 17, and then spew on their boss’ shoes.  However, upon reflecting upon the news of the world during the most recent silly season, I think it goes deeper than that.  In fact, it might be time to update the phrase. Perhaps, ‘I’m embarrassed to live on this planet season’.  You need evidence?  Observe.

Silly Curiosity

In country Victoria, Australia, a man by the name of Laurence found himself stuck in an awkward position.  How awkward?  Try stuck in a top-loader washing machine.  Naked.  To the point that he needed the assistance of rescue services to get him out.

Yes, just before jumping into the shower, a naked Laurence wondered whether he could fit into his washing machine, or as he put it, he “decided to have a bit of sneaky fun while in the nude”.  Possibly the first person to decide that loading himself into a washing machine is the preferred method of having sneaky fun in the nude, Laurence soon found out that he indeed could fit into the machine.  Unfortunately just a little too snuggly.

This is what happens when you put men in charge of the washing.

This is what happens when you put men in charge of the washing.

For reasons impossible to guess, Laurence had brought his mobile phone with him, so when he realised he was stuck, he called a female friend for help.  As could be expected, when he told her that he was stuck naked in a washing machine, she didn’t believe him.  He eventually managed to convince her, at which point he instructed to call his parents to bring an angle grinder to slice the washing machine in half, or otherwise the emergency services.  She chose the latter, probably wisely depending on how accurate his parents are with an angle grinder.

At first the rescue teams tried greasing Laurence with shower conditioner and olive oil, but to no avail.  After twenty minutes, most of which I assume was spent gawking in amazement and trying to get Laurence to explain what he was really doing, they managed to get him out by tipping the washing machine over and watching him slide out.

Needless to say no one will ever want to wash their clothes in that machine again.

Silly Mistake

Some felons in Germany obviously partied a bit too hard over the New Year’s period, as they made a mistake so silly it was criminal.

Workers at five separate stores in and around Berlin were unpacking crates of bananas to stock their shelves, only to make an unusual discovery.  The crates contained not only bananas, but also a collective 140 kilograms (309 pounds) of cocaine.  Talk about a fruit salad with a kick.

Don't put these bananas in your kids' lunchbox.

Don’t put these bananas in your kids’ lunchboxes.

The head of Berlin’s anti-drug squad looked into the unusual deliveries and discovered that the crates had come from Columbia via Hamburg.  Squad member Olaf Schremm said that the smugglers had probably made “a logistical error”.  Given that the drugs had a street value of 6 million Euros, that’s one heck of an error.  Upon hearing the news the head of that drug ring no doubt went bananas.

Silly Lawsuit

We’ve shown a lot of silly lawsuits lately here on Hesaidwhatnow? but it seems they just keep coming.  A man by the ridiculous name of Sirgiorgiro Clardy from Oregon, US, was given a whopping 100-year jail term for a range of crimes, among them stomping on a man’s face with a pair of Nike shoes for failing to pay for a prostitute Clardy was pimping.  To demonstrate that he was not only a quality citizen but a cautious and thoughtful litigant, Clardy then filed a lawsuit that’s probably the dumbest of the year so far.

He sued Nike $100 million for failing to label his shoes as “dangerous weapons”.

Yes, Clardy clearly feels as though his violent stomping assault of the victim was as much Nike’s fault as his own, as they did not warn consumers that their products could be used as a weapon.

These Nikes may look cute, but they are MORE DEADLY THAN GUNS!!!

These Nikes may look cute, but they are MORE DEADLY THAN GUNS!!!

As Clardy explains in his typically well written lawsuit, “Under product liability there is a certain standard of care that is required to be upheld by potentially dangerous product… [Due] to the fact that these defendants named in this Tort claim failed to warn of risk or to provide an adequate warning or instruction it has caused personal injury in the likes of mental suffering.”  I think the mental problems started long before Clardy got his hands on a pair of Nikes.

Hopefully we’ll never have to read on the side of a box of Nike shoes, “Warning: These shoes can be dangerous if used to stomp in the head of someone who refuses to pay for a trick.”  Pimping ain’t easy.

Silly Headline

Speaking of classy people from Oregon, US, 37-year-old Oregonian man Andrew Frey had a little too much fun a few days before Christmas, resulting in the following actual headline, which made me do a double take when I read it:

“Meth user fights off 15 police officers ‘while masturbating in a bar’.”

Fighting off 15 police officers is a fair effort.  Doing so whilst masturbating?  That’s amazing.  Disgusting, but amazing.

Picture this (actually don’t, because it’s gross): Mr Frey, high on meth, exposed himself to a bartender at Iggy’s Bar & Grill before he began to pleasure himself.  He moved his ‘activities’ to the bathroom before the police were called onto the scene.

Before 15 officers from three different forces finally subdued the offender, Deputy Peter Walker arrived on the scene alone and had a lot of trouble stopping Frey.  According to the official police statement, Deputy Walker used a Taser on Frey “multiple times but it had no effect”.  Are we sure this guy isn’t the Hulk’s more perverted brother?

He was eventually brought down and charged with public indecency, resisting arrest and theft of services, but at least Frey will always truthfully be able to say that he beat off the police one-handed.

On reflection I probably shouldn’t have used the phrase, “beat off”.  That was a bit silly.  ‘Tis the season though.

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Returning to the Scene of the Crime

13 Oct

If I was a police detective searching for a criminal, my method of tracking down the felon would be to take a seat, maybe crack open a beer, and wait for him to come to me.  This might be considered an unorthodox approach to law enforcement, but it is apparently an effective one, if the stupidity of these Dumb Crims who couldn’t help but return to the scene of the crime is anything to go by.

The first such Dumb Crim is Johnny Lindner, a 48-year-old man from South Carolina, US.  Lindner robbed a convenience store in Bishopville, threatening the store clerk with a knife before fleeing with cash and cigarettes in a stolen pickup truck.  So far so good (for Lindner, not the store clerk).

Then the wheels started to fall off.  Firstly, the truck Lindner was fleeing in broke down.  Not much he could do about that.   So he walked to a nearby Burger King and called a taxi, directing the driver to take him to the nearby town of Lydia.  But the taxi driver didn’t know how to get there, nor did Lindner, so they pulled over to ask directions.  This is where Lindner made a minor error.

He pulled over to the same store that he had just robbed.

It doesn’t get dumber than that.  Except that it does.  Not only did Lindner stop off to get directions at the very store he robbed, the person he asked  directions from was THE POLICEMAN INVESTIGATING THE CRIMESCENE!  I’m surprised he didn’t volunteer to pose for a mug shot as they spoke.

I assume this is what Linder was wearing.

I assume this is what Lindner was wearing when he asked the policeman for directions.

Lindner, obviously, fit the description of the thief, and thanks to video footage, was charged with armed robbery (he was also wanted for crimes in Tennessee).  As David Capps, the officer who was asked for directions by the Dumb Crim, said, “I was there and I still don’t believe it.”

Capps might as well get used to it, because Lindner isn’t alone in his stupidity.  John T. West and Ashley Sorensen, both 20-year-olds, stole tyres and rims from a parked car in California, US.  A short time after stealing the items, the pair couldn’t help but return to the scene of the crime.  Why?  Well, as they reportedly later told authorities, they returned to “see if the lady had called the cops.”

She had.

Yes, police were at the scene as they drove by.  The Dumb Crims might not have been noticed, though, except they made another crucial error: they had put the stolen tyres and rims on the car they drove to the crime scene!  And they weren’t hard to spot, as the expensive car accessories were attached to a beat up Geo Metro, shining like a gold tooth in Lil Wayne’s mouth.  That’s like a homeless man walking by London Tower wearing the Crown Jewels. Needless to say they didn’t enjoy the rims for very long.

There's something suspicious about that car...

There’s something suspicious about that car…

Victor Marin stole over $200 from an apartment in Brooklyn, New York, US.  He returned to the building soon after committing his felony because of an unexpected hiccup: he had left his wallet in the victim’s home.  Smooth.  His wallet contained cash, credit cards, photos, and sunglasses, meaning that his theft had resulted in a net loss, an outcome generally avoided by most thieves.

As Marin attempted to re-enter the crime scene, the victim, retired rabbi Yaakov Kanelsky, returned home.  Seeing the stranger at his window, Kanelsky asked him what he was doing.  Marin replied that he had left his wallet in his house, to which the rabbi asked why he was inside his house in the first place.  “He told me he needed to use the bathroom,” Kanelsky told the NY Post.

Unsurprisingly, Kanelsky didn’t buy that, and called the police.  Marin, now at the front door, then told the rabbi that he would give him his stolen money back in exchange for his wallet, holding up a wad of bills to the peephole.

Kanelsky hadn’t even realised any money was missing, however he told the Dumb Crim to slide the cash under the door.  Marin slid $125 of large bills underneath without problem, but the other wad of bills were made up of 93 one dollar notes.  This meant that Marin had to slide the cash under the door a couple of notes at a time, allowing the police ample time to arrive at the scene and arrest him.

Perhaps the dumbest – and most irrationally optimistic – return to the scene of the crime caper happened in Columbus, Ohio, US.

Diana Martinez was parked out the front of her apartment when three men pointed a gun at her and stole her purse and cousin’s wallet.  Martinez screamed and hit one of the men with her car door, and the men fled when threatened by a nearby neighbour.  Less than an hour later, however, one of the men returned.

To ask her out on a date.

Yes, Stephfon Bennett, the Dumb Crim with the dumb spelling, had taken such a fancy to Martinez that he thought he would have a crack.  I’ve never been to finishing school, but as far as I’m aware threatening someone with a gun and stealing their property is not a traditional courting technique.

creepy-guy

I reckon this guy would have had a better shot at a date.

Martinez, who was single, couldn’t believe her mixed luck; whilst no doubt thinking, “Why can’t I attract a nice guy for once?” she also was able to chat with Bennett long enough for her cousin to call 911 and for the police to arrive to make the arrest.  Bennett was charged with aggravated robbery and might be heading to a place where you do not want to be asking people for a date.

I suppose Martinez could have done worse than be asked out for a date by Bennett; at least Bennett wouldn’t have had to get her to pay for dinner on account of leaving his wallet in a rabbi’s apartment.

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In Case I Rob You, Please Contact Me on the Following Details

8 Jul

Rule number one in committing a burglary is don’t get caught.  That’s why thieves go to a lot of trouble to hide their faces, not leave fingerprints, and not email their contact details to the police.  These guys, however, leave behind more clues than the Riddler.  That’s why they’re Dumb Crims, and that’s why I love them.  (Just like I love the guys in this post: Arrest Me, I’m a Criminal!)

Last week a twenty-six year old man from Connecticut, US, forgot about this golden rule.  Zachary Tentoni snuck up behind an unsuspected old lady and snatched her clutch bag, fleeing the scene.  In his haste, Tentoni dropped the two bags he was already carrying.  Not sure why he decided that carrying two bags whilst committing a mugging was a good idea, but it proved even worse than it might otherwise.  In the bags were hygiene products, clothes, and sneakers.

As well as his birth certificate and a note from his mother.

The birth certificate helped the police effortlessly track the Dumb Crim down and press charges against him, answering the age old question as to whether or not it’s a good idea to carry unique personal identity documents with you during a crime.  A more pertinent question might be this: what on Earth does a twenty-six year old need a note from his mother for?  The only feasible conclusion is that Tentoni was repeating the 12th grade for the 8th time and needed a note from his mother to miss class.  Sadly, the contents of that note have not been disclosed.  I hope it read, “Please excuse my son for being an idiot.”

"Leaving your birth certificate at the crime scene? You sir, are a Dumb Crim."

“Leaving your birth certificate at the crime scene? You sir, are a Dumb Crim.”

Not every Dumb Crim needs to carry their birth certificate with them in order to give their identity away.  Take the New Zealand man who stole money from a local music shop.  CCTV footage showed the man waiting for the store employees to be distracted by customers, before opening the cash register and stealing a wad of notes.  He fled the store before anyone could give chase and it looked as though he would get away with his crime.  Small problem: minutes before committing his theft, the man had asked the store to reserve a copy of Pink Floyd’s The Wall album, and left behind his name and number so that he could be contacted.  Again, the police had no trouble tracking him down.  The only way that effort could have been more embarrassing for the Dumb Crim is if he had have reserved a copy of a Nickelback album.

Then there’s the Scottish teen was spotted by staff fleeing a sports store in Aberdeen wearing a couple of expensive, and unpaid for, tracksuits.  The teen was possibly related to the Kiwi music shop thief, because he too had only just left his name and address with the store.

On a job application.

Apparently the teen had gone to the shop in the hope of securing an interview for a staff vacancy, but after filling out his job application, thought he’d kill two birds (and one career opportunity) with one stone.  He went into a change room with the tracksuits, put them on, and then fled the sports store, presumably looking athletic but a little bulky.  Whilst it is possible that the Dumb Crim thought he’d have a better chance of the store employing him if he interviewed wearing their merchandise, a staff member was quoted as saying, “It looks highly unlikely that he will get a job.”  Quite the understatement.

I'm not sure what tracksuit the Dumb Crim stole, but I hope it looked like this one.

I’m not sure what tracksuit the Dumb Crim stole, but I hope it looked like this one.

It’s amazing that someone could be so stupid that they would go to a store to fill in a job application and then steal from it.  Perhaps the only thing more stupid would be to go into a store to steal from it and then fill in a job application.  Like this Dumb Crim.

Demetrius Robinson, a twenty-eight year old from Georgia, US, entered a convenience store with the intention of committing a robbery.  The store was busy (which was not convenient) so to pass the time until the clerk was left alone, Robinson filled out a job application.  Soon after, he threatened the clerk with a steak knife – the weapon of choice of all serious thieves – and fled with the contents of the cash register.

Like the other Dumb Crims in this post, it took police no time at all to catch Robinson, thanks to his job application.  Bizarrely, Robinson didn’t reveal his real address on the application, but did use his real name and his uncle’s phone number.  Giving only some fake information isn’t protecting you from the police, and giving only some real information isn’t increasing your chances of getting the job.  Make a decision Demetrius!  And next time make sure that decision isn’t to pass time before a robbery by giving your contact details to the place you’re about to rob!

It turned out that Robinson was already wanted for a string of armed burglaries.  It is not clear whether he mentioned his career as a thief on his job application.

If you enjoyed that HeSaidWhatNow? post, you might also enjoy these:

Arrest me, I’m a Criminal!

Pimp My Getaway Vehicle

Worst. Disguise. Ever!

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Arrest Me, I’m a Criminal!

10 Jun

It can be tough sometimes being a police officer; you not only have to catch the criminals, you have to make sure that there’s sufficient evidence to make an arrest.  Luckily there are also times when idiots like these Dumb Crims do the cops’ job for them, leaving so many clues behind that they may as well walk into a police station and ask to be arrested.

A few weeks ago, Brittney Sykes and Emma Westhusing robbed a credit union in Oregon, USA, and fled with $1370.  When they returned to their home, they discovered that they also had fled with a global tracking device that the bank had hidden amongst the stolen loot.

However Sykes and Westhusing didn’t know what the device was.  Initially they thought it might have been a dye pack, and spent the next few minutes testing their theory by throwing it against the wall and stomping on it.  When it didn’t explode, the pair was stumped so, as she told investigators, Sykes “went to a computer and searched the Internet to figure out what the device might be.”  Whilst they Googled the device, the police were closing in on their location.

Eventually the women panicked and wisely decided to get rid of the device.  Unwisely, they hid it in Sykes’ car.  When the police arrived shortly thereafter, they found the device and the loot, and two stupid crooks.

Whilst it is clearly pretty stupid hiding a tracking device in your car after you commit a crime, it is less stupid than bringing your own tracking device to a crime.  That is exactly what Los Angeles resident Wilbert Matheney did.  A registered sex offender, Matheney was ordered by the court to wear a global tracking device strapped to his ankle.  He then allegedly broke into a home and stole a laptop.

The victims, who were at home when the burglary took place, described the thief as having salt-and-pepper hair.  Neighbourhood residents told police that a man of that description often walked a small white dog in the local area.  When police discovered that a group home for sex offenders was also in the area, they looked at the group’s GPS records and discovered that Matheney was at the victims’ home at the time of the robbery.  When they knocked on his door, not only did Matheney indeed have a salt-and-pepper hairdo, but a little white dog ran out the door.  Maybe it was trying to escape his stupidity.  No word on whether the little guy had a GPS anklet of his own.

This idea didn't even occur to Matheney, which is how you become a Dumb Crim.

This idea didn’t even occur to Matheney.  Which is exactly how you become a Dumb Crim.

Not to be outdone was Stuart Gibbs, of Leicester, England.  A concerned neighbour called police after spotting two strangers in the garden next door.  When they arrived, the police found the men hiding in a shed, but no property had been stolen.  Luckily for the police, they found an outgoing text message on Gibbs’ phone, sent two hours earlier, that read: “I’ve told you 20 times – don’t ring me when I’m out robbing.”  Gibbs subsequently confessed to the attempted burglary.  At court he also pleaded guilty to dangerous driving, driving when disqualified, handling stolen goods and possessing cannabis – possibly by sending a text message to the judge.  He earned himself 18 months in jail.

But the winner (or loser, depending on how you look at it) of the Dumb Crim who ineptly assisted in his own arrest was Christopher Lance Moore of Texas, USA.  Moore broke into a home with the intent of doing some thieving, when he was confronted by the home owner.  Who pointed a pistol at his head.

Moore then fled from the house and into his car, but not before the home owner blocked him in with his own truck.  Effectively locked in his car, Moore did the unthinkable – he called the police for help, saying that “some guy has a gun on me”.  The police arrived and promptly arrested Moore.  It’s assumed that whilst waiting for the police, Moore phoned the IRS to report that he had lied on his taxes, and called his wife to tell her that he’d been cheating on her.

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