Don’t Treat Your Junk Like Junk

8 Jun

This is a public service announcement: don’t do what these guys have done.  The fact that some people need to be warned against this is a sad, sad indictment of humankind.

First of all I refer to an article I read about Le Xing.  Le Xing is a Hong Kong man who was forced to call police when a certain part of his body* got stuck in the park bench he was trying to have sex with.  If you need to read that sentence again to verify that you read it correctly I don’t blame you.  I also don’t blame you if you’re too busy wincing in pain to do so.

I imagine that if a question on Family Feud was “Things that feel good to put your junk in”, the answer “a park bench” would not win you any points.  At best you’re dealing with rigid metal or plastic.  At worst, you’re pulling out splinters.  Either way, getting caught in amorous entanglement with a bench is not something you should ever be at risk of.  It is far more embarrassing than even this:

“We’ll just tell your mother that we ate it all…”

In his defence Le Xing met the bench in an online chat forum where it described itself as “single, stable and a lover of the outdoors” but still, one should exercise some judgment before walking down that path, otherwise you’ll find yourself being taken to hospital with eight feet of park bench still attached to you, and let’s face it, that cannot be comfortable.

The crazy thing about Le Xing is that he isn’t a one-off case.  A Malaysian man also had to have emergency surgery to remove a metal nut from around a certain part of his body**.  Unlike his Hong Kong counterpart, this man (who, in an uncharacteristic display of wisdom, kept his name out of the press) wasn’t trying to screw the nut, so to speak, rather he was trying to ‘lengthen himself’ in anticipation of his wedding night.  In the end, however, he had to have blood drained from his member and a layer of skin cut off, so I think it’s safe to say he not only ‘shortened himself’, he probably shortened the length of his wedding night too.

The moral of the story?  Don’t treat your junk like junk.

*his penis

**also his penis

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