Archive | March, 2013

Super Heroes and Mutant Villains – Update!

23 Mar

He has been revealed!

For those who missed it, recently on Hesaidwhatnow? we reported that a hero dressed as the Caped Crusader apprehended a wanted criminal and took him to the police.  Awesome.  The man – dubbed the ‘Bradford Batman’ – then “promptly vanished into the night to fight crime, and the fear of crime”, as the local police described it, before his identity could be revealed.

Well the Bradford Batman has taken an unprecedented step for a superhero and disclosed his identity.  No, he is not handsome billionaire Bruce Wayne, but 39-year-old Chinese takeaway deliveryman, Stan Warby.  Holy kung pow chicken!


Inspiring fear into the hearts of all criminals

Inspiring fear into the hearts of all criminals

As Warby described it, he was friends with the criminal in question, and had been trying to “knock some sense into him” during the week to try to get him to turn himself in to police (as opposed to turning himself into police, which would require the ability to multiply himself and several years’ training at the Police Academy).  After some time in contemplation – possibly in a cave full of bats – the criminal came to his senses and asked Warby to give him a lift to the station.  The problem was at that moment Warby had just been to a soccer match, dressed as the Dark Knight.  Hence all the fun.

So why did Warby decide to expose his secret?  For fame or fortune?  To inspire the Peter Parkers and Clark Kents of the world to share their identity?  No, Warby’s chief motivator it seems was to let everyone know that he only appeared tubby in the footage captured on the famous night because he was wearing a tracksuit underneath his costume.  You might say such motivation is vain, but think of what Penguin and the Joker might do if they thought Batman had let himself go?

Instead, the local community can relax, knowing that out there, somewhere, a hero is there to save the day.  So remember Bradford, if you see the Bradford Batman, be sure to thank him.  And tip him generously for the sizzling Mongolian lamb and honey chicken.

Super Heroes and Mutant Villains

11 Mar

It’s a dangerous world in which we live.  Everyday we run the risk of getting hit by a car, being the victim of a crime, or accidentally hearing a Nickelback song.  In fact it has gotten so bad that there are now mutant villains plaguing the world (seriously – we’ll get to that shortly).

Luckily we also have this guy.

In Bradford, England, the police were looking for a felon wanted for fraud and stolen goods offences, but were having no success in finding him.  Like Bonny Tyler, the Bradford police needed a hero.  A superhero.

To the police’s great surprise, their wish came true, when none other than Batman himself brought the wanted criminal to the Bradford Police Station.

Holy spandex Batman!

Holy spandex Batman!

Looking a little more ‘Adam West’ than ‘Christian Bale’, the Caped Crusader brought the dastardly villain to the authorities, telling the officers “I’ve caught this one for you.”  With the crook in custody, Batman fled off into the night to get his hands on more criminals – or possibly a six-pack and a kebab.  Even though his identity remains unknown, the citizens of Bradford feel a little safer knowing that a portly man in a grey suit is out there, cleaning up the streets, and the remains of last night’s pizza.

It may not be long before the city of Tehran shines the Bat-Signal into the night sky in a desperate attempt to gain help for its current problem – mutant rats.  The Iranian capital is in the midst of a plague, the city being overrun by “mutant rats” that have grown freakishly huge due to “being exposed to radiation and chemicals”.

Under normal circumstances, this wouldn’t be a problem, as the rats would go on to become wise mentors to fun loving teenage mutant ninja turtles; however in this instance the rats have become cat sized and outnumber the human citizens living in the city.

Public Service Announcement: Hide your cheese

Public Service Announcement: Hide your cheese

The initial solution was poison, but the effectiveness of that solution is decreasing against the “hyper-evolved” rodents, so the Iranian government has devised a new plan: snipers.

Originally the government deployed 10 squads of snipers, but the Rodents of Unusual Size were too numerous, and so that number was upped to 40.  Deployed with the most advanced weaponry, including laser sight rifles, the snipers hunt their enemy around the clock.  Yet still the rat epidemic continues.

Mutant rats, the Caped Crusader – I feel a Dark Knight Rises sequel coming…