Archive | May, 2013

Outstanding Outsourcing

31 May


Sometimes it’s efficient to outsource work to others.  Sometimes it’s funny too.  And apparently anything can be outsourced these days if you have a little imagination and next to no dignity.

The first example comes from China, where a concerned father named Mr Feng was worried that his son, Feng Xiao, was wasting his life by spending too much time playing computer games.  Instead of confronting his son, however, Mr Feng opted to outsource his parenting.

He hired assassins to kill his son.

Now that might seem a little over the top, except that the assassins were charged with the task of killing Feng Xiao’s online avatar.  Mr Feng’s theory was that if his son’s online persona was killed, he would be unable to play computer games, get bored, and then try to find a job.  Actually, that is a little over the top.

Cold blooded killers.  Sort of.

Cold blooded killers. Sort of.

This sounds logical in theory – ridiculous, but logical – except that there was one small problem.

Feng Xiao was too good.

Despite being ganged up on and outnumbered by the virtual hit-men, Xiao could not be killed, his countless hours at the computer finally proving useful.  After repeated attempts to kill him failed, Xiao eventually confronted the hired guns who – in true geek fashion – cowardly broke down and revealed everything.  Xiao then told his father that he was not addicted to gaming and was just waiting for the right job to come up.  At this point I’m thinking he should give being an online assassin a go.

Over in Japan, the Tama Zoological Park outsourced the job of being an animal.  Luckily this didn’t mean that patrons who visited the zoo paid good money to see humans posing as animals (although I’ve seen a few people who could probably get away with doing that in the monkey enclosure).  Rather, the zoo wanted to conduct emergency tests to practice its response to the escape of dangerous animals.  So it got an employee to dress as a zebra and ‘break free’.

After a pretend earthquake broke down the wall to the enclosure, the ‘zebra’ ran loose.  Luckily, it was captured with the aid of a net and tranquilizers.  I’m hoping to use similar techniques in my workplace.

When asked what advice he would give to the next person to play an escaped animal, the zebra, Mr Tanaka, said, “I’d have to warn them that the inside does indeed become a bit stinky with sweat and so they should think about how to deal with that.”  Personally I’d be more concerned with how to deal with being attacked by tranquilizers.

I wonder if this was in the job description?

I wonder if this was in the job description?

Finally, a man in the USA almost pulled off the best bit of outsourcing ever.  A US critical infrastructure company discovered that the traffic logs for its best programmer showed a regular series of logins to the company’s main server from Shenyang, China.  Worried about a security breach, the company investigated a little further to find out what was going on.

As it turns out there wasn’t a security breach.  Phew.  Nothing to worry about.  Except for the fact that what had actually happened was that the programmer had outsourced his job to a Chinese software consultancy which was logging in to the company’s server to do the programmer’s work remotely, allowing the programmer to swan about on the internet all day.

What a genius move.  The programmer was paying his Chinese subcontractor a fifth of his six-figure salary, enabling himself to basically chill out at work all day – kind of like he was management.  The best part was that he regularly won awards for being the firm’s top coder even though he never did a lick of work himself.

Foolishly, he saved hundreds of invoices on his desktop, and a further analysis of his workstation showed that his typical work day consisted of the following:

9:00 a.m. – Arrive and surf Reddit for a couple of hours. Watch cat videos

11:30 a.m. – Take lunch

1:00 p.m. – Ebay time

2:00-ish p.m – Facebook updates, LinkedIn

4:30 p.m. – End-of-day update e-mail to management

5:00 p.m. – Go home

In fact, the scheme was working so well, that it was discovered that he had taken jobs with other firms and outsourced them too.

Not surprisingly, the programmer no longer works with the firm.  I hear that he is looking into the pretend zebra industry.

Pimp My Getaway Vehicle

20 May

It’s critical when committing a robbery that you don’t just plan how to commit the crime, but also how you’ll get away.  The following Dumb Crims may have forgotten that last bit.

Howard Shanholtzer stole some surveillance equipment from a store in California, USA, and fled in his car.  Aware that the police knew what sort of car he drove, Shanholtzer  decided to swap his vehicle for another.  Clever.  Unfortunately, he ditched his white Mitsubishi pickup truck and stole…a white Mitsubishi pickup truck.  Not so clever.  Unsurprisingly the police promptly caught him.  Shanholtzer isn’t the smartest man, but you can’t fault his brand loyalty.

The truck he was driving.

The truck Shanholtzer was driving.

The truck Shanholtzer stole.

The truck Shanholtzer stole.

Also failing to choose a getaway vehicle that would successfully elude the police were Wesley Leon Jumper and Shawn Carnell Stewart.  It was clear that this pair had problems when they decided it was necessary to steal $500 worth of soap and shampoo from a pharmacy, but their membership to the Dumb Crims club was cemented when they decided to make their getaway in an ice cream truck.  As a spokeswoman for the Charles County Sheriff’s Office stated, the ice cream truck was “a very easy vehicle to spot”.  The pair didn’t help their cause by playing Greensleeves over their speakers and stopping to serve ice cream to kids.

Finally, Harley Traverse robbed a bank in Rhode Island, USA, warning the teller that he had a gun and a police scanner.  He fled with $32,000 (which gets him one up on the ice cream brothers and their haul of toiletries) but from there his plans faltered somewhat.  Specifically in his choice of getaway vehicle: a bicycle.  Needless to say he was promptly caught and arrested.  Sadly for Traverse, prison is not easy for people who wear bike shorts.

RIP Chris Kelly aka Daddy Mac of Kriss Kross

2 May

In a very sad day for lovers of 90s rap, weird hair, and getting dressed in the dark, Chris Kelly, one half of rap duo Kriss Kross, died today.  Kelly, aka Mac Daddy, and his hip hop partner, Chris Smith, aka Daddy Mac, burst onto the music scene in 1992 with their song Jump.  It was number one on the US Billboard Charts for eight weeks and ended up a double platinum hit.  Admittedly they didn’t do much after that, but still, that’s one more number one single than Bob Marley ever had, so obviously they’re better, right?

Details are unclear at this stage as to how Kelly died, so I don’t want to Jump to any conclusions (zing!) but early reports suggest that it might be a drug overdose, which would be wiggedy wiggedy wiggedy wack.  Either way, at just 34, Kelly’s life is Totally Krossed Out.

This is the only image of Kriss Kross in which they are wearing some clothing the correct way around.

This is the only image of Kriss Kross in which they are wearing some clothing the correct way around.

Meanwhile there were two things reported by the media that haven’t been given enough attention.  Firstly, the investigator from the Fulton County Medical Examiner’s office in charge of investigating Kelly’s death is named Betty Honey.  Clearly this is a hip hop alias, and I for one am concerned that there’s a conflict of interest here.  If I had anything to say about it, I’d ensure Honey kept her sticky fingers out of the situation.  Secondly, multiple media outlets have reported that during the height of their popularity, Kriss Kross released a video game.  For some reason, I find this the most disturbing aspect of the story.

But it is always sad whenever someone dies before their time, even if we haven’t heard from them in over two decades.  So I urge everyone to pay tribute to Mac Daddy in the way that we know he would appreciate the most – by wearing our clothes backwards tomorrow.

RIP Chris Kelly.