Tag Archives: Ian Ziering

A Joining of Titans

8 Aug

Something unusual happened in New York yesterday that has baffled many people.  However, upon examining the evidence to hand, I have determined that this seemingly random event has a perfectly understandable, and awesome, explanation.  Sit down and put on a helmet – I’m about to blow your mind.

Yesterday a commuter on New York’s subway, identified only as ‘Mary M’, stepped into a carriage in Manhattan and immediately noticed something was wrong: there was an unusual odour on the train.  Now of course something would be wrong if there wasn’t an unusual odour on the train – we’re talking the New York Metro here – but as Mary M described the stench, “It’s not the typical urine/trash smell, it’s…fishy.”

Let’s overlook the fact that the New York subway normally smells of human waste, bodily or other, and focus on what Mary M saw.  “I look down to the end of the car,” she said, “to see a dead shark on the floor.  I think I stood there for a good minute just staring, thinking ‘Is this for real?  Oh come ON, NYC!’”  (I love Mary M!)  Sure enough though, there was a dead shark sitting on the floor of the carriage.  That’s weird, even by New York standards.

"So buddy, did you catch the Knicks game last night?"

“So buddy, did you catch the Knicks game last night?”

When asked how it would dispose of the dead shark, a Metropolitan Transportation Administration official stated, “Live sharks are wrangled by Shark Maintainer IIs, who have passed the qualification test and have minimum three years in the Shark Maintainer I title.  Dead ones are handled by Shark Maintainer Is, or if none are available on that shift, then by Aquatic Mammal Handler IIs.” Typical New York smart ass.

The shark was in fact disposed of, but no one knows how it came to be on the New York Metro in the first place (especially without a ticket).  As Mary M might say, something smells fishy.

The answer, however, is obvious.

Less than a month ago, US’s SyFy channel aired what is widely considered one of the decade’s top ten movies about sea-dwelling creatures in airborne weather patterns, Sharknado.  Due to the social media attention it garnered, it wasn’t long before a sequel was announced.  Not much has been revealed about the sequel to date, but we do know one thing: it will be set in New York City.

Mystery solved.

Yes, this dead shark on the Metro MUST be a publicity stunt for Sharknado 2: Sharks and the City (my early vote for the movie’s title).  Not only that, it could be a clue for what might happen in the film.

The only other fact about Sharknado 2: Biting the Big Apple that we know, besides its intended 2014 release date, is that Tara Reid will not be back to reprise her role of April Wexler, estranged wife of chainsaw-wielding, jumping-into-sharks’-mouths hero, Fin (played by Ian Ziering).  This means that there will need to be a new cast of actors, a new band of heroes.

"What? I'm not good enough to be in Sharknado 2?  This is a new low for me."

“What? I’m not good enough to be in Sharknado 2? This is a new low for me.”

Now, should it be the case that part of Sharknado 2: Some Fin in the Air is that the sharks will find themselves on the New York subway, as this incident seems to indicate, who would be a suitable actor to fill the void left by the departure of Reid’s vacant stare?  It would have to be someone unafraid of dealing with terrifying beasts, and preferably someone who has experience dealing with them on transport.

Of course!  There’s only one man for the job: Neville Flynn, aka Samuel L. Jackson’s character from Snakes on a Plane!

What better choice to be Ziering’s wingman than the furious Jackson?  Even their characters’ names are similar: Fin and Flynn!

And who wouldn’t want to hear Jackson, chainsaw in hand, scream out, “Enough is enough!  I have had it with these muthaf*ckin sharks on this muthf*ckin train!”  The answer: no one.  Except maybe Tara Reid.

He's not saying 'fudge'.

He’s not saying ‘fudge’.

I, for one, cannot wait for Sharknado 2: Sharks on a Train.  As the original Sharknado poster brashly stated: enough said.

Sharknado!!!

12 Jul

The Godfather, Gone with the Wind, The Shawkshank Redemption, Alvin and the Chipmunks: the Squeakquel – what do these films have in common?  They are all nowhere near as freakin’ awesome as a new made for TV movie being released on US’ the SyFy channel today.

Sharknado!!!

Sharknado

As you can probably deduce from the promo poster, this movie is basically a disaster flick whereby an ocean borne hurricane hits land and converts into a series of tornados, each packed with hundreds of sharks, turning them into airborne killing machines.  Finally!

I’m not sure whether this film is based on a true story, or is an adaptation of a D.H. Lawrence novel, but either way I’m sure it will be a classic.  How do I know?  Look at the cast: Tara Reid, aka the blonde from American Pie whose most famous moment since that 1999 film was accidentally showing her boobs on a red carpet shoot and not noticing until someone came and pulled up her dress; John Heard aka the dad from Home Alone; and in possibly the greatest coup in recent film history, Ian Ziering, aka Steve Sanders from the original Beverly Hills 90210 (whose character in this film, appropriately, is named ‘Fin’).  Clearly this ensemble cast puts Ocean’s 11 to shame.

Sure, the movie will probably require more suspension of disbelief than most films, as there are a few slightly hard to believe concepts.  For example, how do the sharks breathe as they are flying in the air?  How can there be so many sharks swept up by the ‘nado?  Why are only sharks swept up by the ‘nado?  And who would ever cast Ian Ziering in a movie? 

But I’m sure you can overlook those small details for the big picture awesomeness because, as you can see from the trailer and elsewhere, this movie has it all:

–        the ominous warning (Ziering to Reid on the phone): “It’s flooding here.  Not the plumbing – the ocean.”

–        subtle irony: the flying sharks claiming their first victims at a criminal business meeting of – wait for it – shark fin soup dealers!

–        sage advice to rally the troops (again, Ziering): “We can’t just stand here and wait for sharks to rain down on us.”

–        creativity: the gang arming themselves against the oncoming sharknado torrent with random items, including a pool cue – an object universally regarded as an effective weapon against a ten ton beast falling at you from a great height.

–        challenges: “We’re going to need a bigger chopper.”

–        solutions: people shooting flying sharks with handguns.

–        and, without doubt, what is already considered (by me) to be the greatest scene in the history of cinema: Ian Ziering, armed with a chainsaw, leaping heroically into the mouth of a flying shark.

No words can capture how amazing this scene is.

No words can capture how amazing this scene is.

Life just doesn’t get better than this.  Enjoy the trailer, and pray that there will be many sequels (Molecano?  Wolfquake?  Lizard Blizzard?)

What ridiculous disaster movie involving animals and natural phenomena would you like to see?  Share them in the comments section below