Archive | July, 2013

Arnie’s Best One Liners

30 Jul

When it comes to one liners in action movies, no one can compete with the Governator, Arnold Schwarzenegger.  In honour of his awesomeness, and to celebrate his 66th birthday today, I’ve compiled the very best of his puns, wordplays, and wisecracks.  I couldn’t narrow them down to ten, so here are his fourteen greatest efforts.  Get in the chopper, strap yourself in, and enjoy.

"Hi, I'm Arnold. Check out these great one liners from some of my moofies."

“Hi, I’m Arnold. Check out these great one liners from some of my moofies.”

14. Eraser

Eraser is a film that doesn’t immediately jump to mind when thinking of Arnie greats, but it certainly follows the usual format: action, some mandatory muscle shots, and of course, classic one liners such as this one.

Having trapped the bad guys’ limo on the railroad track, the vehicle gets demolished by the train with the requisite explosion.  Love interest Lee Cullen (Vanessa Williams) then asks Arnie for an update on their disappearing pursuers:

Cullen: “What happened to them?”

Arnie: “They caught a train.”

13. Commando

Commando is without peer for classic Arnie one liners, and features heavily in this list.  As a retired Black Ops Commando, Arnie is faced by a green beret called Cooke who is keen for a fight and a little trash talk.  A mistake on both counts.

Cooke: “You Scared motherf*cker?  Well, you should be, because this green beret is gonna kick your big ass!”

Arnie: “I eat green berets for breakfast.  And right now, I’m very hungry!”

12. Total Recall

Before Colin Farrell was running around as  Doug Quaid in last year’s reboot, Arnie was the man running around in the sci-fi mind trip Total Recall, and I for one can’t imagine anyone other than Arnie delivering lines like this quite so well:

Arnie: (Whilst killing the traitorous mutant Benny with a giant drill) “Screw you!”

11.  Eraser

To prove that his one liners aren’t reserved for human enemies, Arnie delivers this gem:

Arnie: (Shoots dead an alligator) “You’re luggage!”

10. Commando

Early in the movie, Arnie promises a low level thug called Sully that out of all the bad guys, he would kill him last.  Later, he interrogates Sully for information in the typically Arnie manner of dangling him over a cliff by his ankle.  Only when he has the information he needs does he give a one liner:

Arnie: “Remember, Sully, when I promised I’d kill you last?”

Sully: “That’s right Matrix!  You did!”

Arnie: “I lied.”

(Arnie releases Sully, who falls to his demise.)

9. Commando

Not stopping with giving Sully a quip before releasing him off the cliff, Arnie immediately backs it up with a rare one liner double play to love interest Cindy:

Cindy: “What happened to Sully?”

Arnie: “I let him go.”

8. The 6th Day

Set in a future where cloning humans is possible, Arnie confronts bad guy Michael Drucker, and sets him up for a one liner:

Arnie: “If you believe that, then you should clone yourself while you’re still alive.”

Drucker:  “Why is that?  So I can understand you’re unique perspective?”

Arnie: “No.  So you can go f*ck yourself.”

7. The Running Man

In this classic film in which people are forced into a life or death live TV game show, Arnie is challenged by a character named Buzzsaw who, surprisingly, has a chainsaw as his weapon of choice.  There’s only one way this can end for Buzzsaw – badly.  Namely being cut in half by his own weapon.  At least it resulted in a one liner:

Amber: “What happened to Buzzsaw?”

Arnie: “He had to split.”

6. Last Action Hero

A film within a film, Arnie plays a caricature of himself as the titular hero, Jack Slater.  Which means, of course, a few Arnie-esque one liners:

Arnie: (To a policeman barring his way) “You wanna be a farmer?  Here’s a couple of acres!”  (Kicks policeman in the groin)

5. Commando

Again, Commando comes through with the goods!  After killing a thug sitting on the seat next to him on a plane, Arnie gets the attention of the flight attendant so he can tell her this:

Arnie: “Don’t disturb my friend.  He’s dead tired.”

4. Predator

You can’t make a list involving Arnie action movies without including Predator (another Arnie film so good it was remade).  And you can’t make an Arnie action movie without a signature one liner:

Arnie: (Throws knife at bad guy, pinning him to the wall) “Here, stick around!”

3. Total Recall

Being married to Sharon Stone is not a bad thing, right?  Well, unless she’s trying to kill you.  The best way to defend yourself?  Be Arnie and hit her with a patented deathblow/one liner combo:

Lori: “Doug, honey… you wouldn’t hurt me, would you, sweetheart?  Sweetheart, be reasonable.  After all, we’re married!”

(Lori goes for her gun, Arnie shoots her through the head)

Arnie: “Consider that a divorce!”

2. True Lies

The climax of this action comedy finds Arnie in the cockpit of a fighter jet, a terrorist hanging precariously from one of the jet’s missiles.  There’s only one thing that could possibly happen in this situation: a one liner!

Arnie: (Launches the missile, shooting it into the terrorist’s helicopter) “You’re fired!”

1. Commando

What else could be number one on this list other than Commando?  After 90 minutes of classic Arnie where he delivers dozens of one liners and kills hundreds of bad guys, Arnie saves his best for last during the climactic fight seen with friend turned enemy Bennett:

Arnie: (Throws a pipe through Bennett)  “Let off some steam, Bennett!”

If you enjoyed that post, check out some more Movie posts here.

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How Your Favourite Film Could Have Looked – Near Casting Choices in ’80s Movies – Part II

21 Jul

It’s fascinating to see what movies almost looked like had certain casting decisions actually happened.  As we saw in Part I of this post, plenty of our favourite ’80s films were very nearly completely different (Charlie Sheen as the Karate Kid anyone?) and in Part II we have a further look at the actors who were almost cast in some of the best ’80s films of all time.  Spoiler alert: Steven Segal does not make an appearance.

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

One of the great high school adventures of all time, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off follows the title character as he skips school with his girlfriend and best friend to enjoy everything spring time Chicago can offer a group of teens – all without getting caught by his parents or his suspicious principal, Ed Rooney.

To pull that off, Ferris had to be smart, creative, and extremely likeable, and Matthew Broderick pulled that off perfectly, even adlibbing some of Ferris’s funniest moments.  However, he wasn’t the first person to be offered the role; that was Johnny Depp.  Due to scheduling conflicts, though, Depp had to turn down the offer.  Jim Carrey and Michael J. Fox, among others, were considered, but Broderick ultimately got to play the wannabe sausage king of Chicago.  Danke schoen Johhny!

Johnny Depp wishes he could rock a shower mohawk like this

Johnny Depp wishes he could rock a shower mohawk like this

Big

Along with skipping school, another schoolboy fantasy is to be all grown up and able to do what adults can.  That’s exactly what Josh Baskin got to do as the protagonist in Big.  The instant adult version was played by Tom Hanks, who was director Penny Marshall’s first choice for the part, but it almost never happened.

Initially Hanks had to decline the offer due to commitments to filming Dragnet.  After looking at other options, Marshall offered the part to Robert De Niro.  It might have been a different film; instead of dancing on giant floor pianos and grossing out his best friend with silly string, Josh would have become an organised crime lord.

De Niro actually accepted the offer, so the above could have happened, but his asking price of $6 million was too much and the offer was withdrawn.  In the end Marshall waited until Hanks – and his more palatable $2 million fee – was available, and the film went on to become the first film directed by a female to gross over $100 million.  Now that’s big.

Beetlejuice

Just one look at his films tells you that Tim Burton is a quirky guy.  A guy with scissors for hands?  That’s not weird!  His quirkiness isn’t just limited to his directorial style though, as evidenced by this near casting choice.

Back before the days when every single Burton film starred Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter, Burton had one person and one person only in mind to play Betelgeuse, and it wasn’t Michael Keaton.  When he pictured the eccentric ‘bio-exorcist’ in his mind’s eye, Burton apparently envisioned a swinging, happening, Las Vegas crooner.  He envisioned Sammy Davis Jr.  The fact that the Rat Pack member was most popular in the ’50s and ’60s, and was 63 years old at the time didn’t seem to bother him.  It did bother the studio, however, who stepped in and exorcised that thought from Burton’s mind, leaving the role wide open for Keaton.  That’s showbiz, baby!

Beverly Hills Cop

Beverly Hills Cop was the movie that took the rapidly on the rise Eddie Murphy and rocketed him into superstardom.  Not only did that almost not happen, the movie itself was almost very different entirely.

Initially Beverly Hills Cop was an action film, with Sylvestor Stallone set to star.  The story was to follow Axel Foley – who was from east Los Angeles, not Detroit – as he got transferred to Beverly Hills.  Stallone, among others, tinkered with the script but ultimately passed on it (although it’s said he used some of the plot to develop Cobra).  The studio then looked to Mickey Rourke to take it over but that never eventuated.

In the end, to our eternal gratitude, the script was reworked and Murphy brought on board.  The best part about it is that when there were gaps or problems in the reworked script, it allowed Murphy to adlib some of the funniest moments of that movie, such as the ‘super-cops’ monologue.  Don’t believe me?  Watch John Ashton (Sgt. Taggart) closely at about the 55 second mark and you’ll see what I mean.

Ghostbusters

One of my favourite ’80s films, Ghostbusters is unique, hilarious, and boasts a great cast.  But the question, ‘Who ya gonna call?’ almost resulted in a completely different answer, as the cast originally intended was vastly different to the end product.  In fact, the movie itself almost looked quite different.

Originally Dan Akroyd’s vision was of a film set in the future where the ‘Ghost Smashers’ (seriously!) were an on-call emergency response team like fire fighters or paramedics.  Their proton packs had wands on the end of them, and by the conclusion of the film there were ‘Ghost Smasher’ franchises all across the United States – and not a marshmallow man in sight.

Who ya gonna call? Ghost Smashers! Wait...what?

Who ya gonna call? Ghost Smashers! Wait…what?

The problem with that script is that to actually turn it into a film would have cost way too much money, so Dan Ackroyd enlisted Harold Rambis to come in and help rewrite it.  He suggested making it a tale of how the team got started, and set it in the present.

The other problem was this: it was always Ackroyd’s intention that Ghostbusters be another buddy flick with him and his good mate John Belushi as Peter Venkman, with the third and final member of the team Winston, to be played by Eddie Murphy.  Needless to say that’s quite a different line up than what actually eventuated.

Belushi, of course, sadly died in 1982, meaning the role of Venkman was up for grabs.  Then Eddie Murphy pulled out to do Beverly Hills Cop, a decision he probably didn’t regret given Beverly Hills Cop was the only film to out-gross Ghostbusters in 1984.  So when Ramis helped Ackroyd rewrite the script, it started taking on a whole new flavour.  The character of Dr Egon Spengler was drafted, and Winston Zeddmore’s role was reduced.

When it came to casting, Ackroyd was the only person left standing from the initial plan.  Michael Keaton was offered the chance to play either Venkman or Egon, but turned the opportunity down.  In relation to Egon, the pair decided that Ramis was the man for the job and, thankfully, after Chevy Chase passed, Bill Murray was signed on to play Venkman and completely own it.

They weren’t the only near casting choices.  John Candy was to play Louis Tully, but he consistently wanted to make changes to the character – making him German with a pair of schnauzer dogs.  When his changes weren’t considered he quit, leaving Rick Moranis to fill the void.  Finally, Gozer was to be played by Paul Reubens, aka Pee-Wee Herman, before he too pulled out.

Talk about a completely different cast.  Just goes to show that casting a film is as dangerous and chancy as crossing the streams.

If you enjoyed this Hesaidwhatnow? post check out these posts: 

How Your Favourite Film Could Have Looked – Near Casting Choices in ’80s Movies – Part I

How Your Favourite Film Could Have Looked – Near Casting Choices in Blockbuster Movies

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Sharknado!!!

12 Jul

The Godfather, Gone with the Wind, The Shawkshank Redemption, Alvin and the Chipmunks: the Squeakquel – what do these films have in common?  They are all nowhere near as freakin’ awesome as a new made for TV movie being released on US’ the SyFy channel today.

Sharknado!!!

Sharknado

As you can probably deduce from the promo poster, this movie is basically a disaster flick whereby an ocean borne hurricane hits land and converts into a series of tornados, each packed with hundreds of sharks, turning them into airborne killing machines.  Finally!

I’m not sure whether this film is based on a true story, or is an adaptation of a D.H. Lawrence novel, but either way I’m sure it will be a classic.  How do I know?  Look at the cast: Tara Reid, aka the blonde from American Pie whose most famous moment since that 1999 film was accidentally showing her boobs on a red carpet shoot and not noticing until someone came and pulled up her dress; John Heard aka the dad from Home Alone; and in possibly the greatest coup in recent film history, Ian Ziering, aka Steve Sanders from the original Beverly Hills 90210 (whose character in this film, appropriately, is named ‘Fin’).  Clearly this ensemble cast puts Ocean’s 11 to shame.

Sure, the movie will probably require more suspension of disbelief than most films, as there are a few slightly hard to believe concepts.  For example, how do the sharks breathe as they are flying in the air?  How can there be so many sharks swept up by the ‘nado?  Why are only sharks swept up by the ‘nado?  And who would ever cast Ian Ziering in a movie? 

But I’m sure you can overlook those small details for the big picture awesomeness because, as you can see from the trailer and elsewhere, this movie has it all:

–        the ominous warning (Ziering to Reid on the phone): “It’s flooding here.  Not the plumbing – the ocean.”

–        subtle irony: the flying sharks claiming their first victims at a criminal business meeting of – wait for it – shark fin soup dealers!

–        sage advice to rally the troops (again, Ziering): “We can’t just stand here and wait for sharks to rain down on us.”

–        creativity: the gang arming themselves against the oncoming sharknado torrent with random items, including a pool cue – an object universally regarded as an effective weapon against a ten ton beast falling at you from a great height.

–        challenges: “We’re going to need a bigger chopper.”

–        solutions: people shooting flying sharks with handguns.

–        and, without doubt, what is already considered (by me) to be the greatest scene in the history of cinema: Ian Ziering, armed with a chainsaw, leaping heroically into the mouth of a flying shark.

No words can capture how amazing this scene is.

No words can capture how amazing this scene is.

Life just doesn’t get better than this.  Enjoy the trailer, and pray that there will be many sequels (Molecano?  Wolfquake?  Lizard Blizzard?)

What ridiculous disaster movie involving animals and natural phenomena would you like to see?  Share them in the comments section below

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In Case I Rob You, Please Contact Me on the Following Details

8 Jul

Rule number one in committing a burglary is don’t get caught.  That’s why thieves go to a lot of trouble to hide their faces, not leave fingerprints, and not email their contact details to the police.  These guys, however, leave behind more clues than the Riddler.  That’s why they’re Dumb Crims, and that’s why I love them.  (Just like I love the guys in this post: Arrest Me, I’m a Criminal!)

Last week a twenty-six year old man from Connecticut, US, forgot about this golden rule.  Zachary Tentoni snuck up behind an unsuspected old lady and snatched her clutch bag, fleeing the scene.  In his haste, Tentoni dropped the two bags he was already carrying.  Not sure why he decided that carrying two bags whilst committing a mugging was a good idea, but it proved even worse than it might otherwise.  In the bags were hygiene products, clothes, and sneakers.

As well as his birth certificate and a note from his mother.

The birth certificate helped the police effortlessly track the Dumb Crim down and press charges against him, answering the age old question as to whether or not it’s a good idea to carry unique personal identity documents with you during a crime.  A more pertinent question might be this: what on Earth does a twenty-six year old need a note from his mother for?  The only feasible conclusion is that Tentoni was repeating the 12th grade for the 8th time and needed a note from his mother to miss class.  Sadly, the contents of that note have not been disclosed.  I hope it read, “Please excuse my son for being an idiot.”

"Leaving your birth certificate at the crime scene? You sir, are a Dumb Crim."

“Leaving your birth certificate at the crime scene? You sir, are a Dumb Crim.”

Not every Dumb Crim needs to carry their birth certificate with them in order to give their identity away.  Take the New Zealand man who stole money from a local music shop.  CCTV footage showed the man waiting for the store employees to be distracted by customers, before opening the cash register and stealing a wad of notes.  He fled the store before anyone could give chase and it looked as though he would get away with his crime.  Small problem: minutes before committing his theft, the man had asked the store to reserve a copy of Pink Floyd’s The Wall album, and left behind his name and number so that he could be contacted.  Again, the police had no trouble tracking him down.  The only way that effort could have been more embarrassing for the Dumb Crim is if he had have reserved a copy of a Nickelback album.

Then there’s the Scottish teen was spotted by staff fleeing a sports store in Aberdeen wearing a couple of expensive, and unpaid for, tracksuits.  The teen was possibly related to the Kiwi music shop thief, because he too had only just left his name and address with the store.

On a job application.

Apparently the teen had gone to the shop in the hope of securing an interview for a staff vacancy, but after filling out his job application, thought he’d kill two birds (and one career opportunity) with one stone.  He went into a change room with the tracksuits, put them on, and then fled the sports store, presumably looking athletic but a little bulky.  Whilst it is possible that the Dumb Crim thought he’d have a better chance of the store employing him if he interviewed wearing their merchandise, a staff member was quoted as saying, “It looks highly unlikely that he will get a job.”  Quite the understatement.

I'm not sure what tracksuit the Dumb Crim stole, but I hope it looked like this one.

I’m not sure what tracksuit the Dumb Crim stole, but I hope it looked like this one.

It’s amazing that someone could be so stupid that they would go to a store to fill in a job application and then steal from it.  Perhaps the only thing more stupid would be to go into a store to steal from it and then fill in a job application.  Like this Dumb Crim.

Demetrius Robinson, a twenty-eight year old from Georgia, US, entered a convenience store with the intention of committing a robbery.  The store was busy (which was not convenient) so to pass the time until the clerk was left alone, Robinson filled out a job application.  Soon after, he threatened the clerk with a steak knife – the weapon of choice of all serious thieves – and fled with the contents of the cash register.

Like the other Dumb Crims in this post, it took police no time at all to catch Robinson, thanks to his job application.  Bizarrely, Robinson didn’t reveal his real address on the application, but did use his real name and his uncle’s phone number.  Giving only some fake information isn’t protecting you from the police, and giving only some real information isn’t increasing your chances of getting the job.  Make a decision Demetrius!  And next time make sure that decision isn’t to pass time before a robbery by giving your contact details to the place you’re about to rob!

It turned out that Robinson was already wanted for a string of armed burglaries.  It is not clear whether he mentioned his career as a thief on his job application.

If you enjoyed that HeSaidWhatNow? post, you might also enjoy these:

Arrest me, I’m a Criminal!

Pimp My Getaway Vehicle

Worst. Disguise. Ever!

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Not Doing Your Job Properly

2 Jul

People make mistakes at work all the time: turning up to a meeting with lettuce in your teeth, slamming the boss in an email and accidentally sending it to the whole office, or only realising at 3pm that you haven’t been wearing pants all day.

Given the monotony of working life, most of these mistakes are forgivable.  However this last fortnight there seemed to be a lot of mistakes made on the job that go beyond the ordinary levels of incompetence.  Put it this way: these particular mistakes involved free money, dead people, and unicorns.  I’m not even kidding.

The first workplace blunder occurred in Germany, where a bank worker took an inopportune time to have a nap.  The worker was supposed to make an online transfer of 62.40 Euros to a client, no doubt a simple and menial task.  However, the employee “fell asleep for an instant, while pushing onto the number 2 key on the keyboard.”  As a result the small transfer became a whopping 222,222,222.22 Euro payment.  If only he fell asleep on the 9 key.

The best part is that the employee’s boss, who didn’t even have the lame excuse of being asleep, authorised the transaction despite the mammoth error.  The boss got fired for his oversight, although Germany’s employment court later had him reinstated.  It’s quite possible that the Judge fell asleep and accidentally hit the ‘unfair dismissal’ button.

Don't put this guy in charge of entering the nuclear launch sequence.

Don’t put this guy in charge of entering the nuclear launch override sequence.

If you think that was a big oversight, try this one on for size.  An iFly Airbus 330-300 touched down at a Moscow airport where maintenance workers discovered something in the wheel well: nothing unusual – just a dead man. How the man managed to get into the wheel well unnoticed was one thing, but the scary thing is that he stayed there for no less than seven – seven!!! – flights before being found.  Either that guy was the best hide and seek player of all time, or the iFly team need to take a serious look at how they do business.  If you accidentally leave nail clippers in your carry-on baggage six different people will discover it before you even make it on board.  Stow away in the wheel well and no one will notice for seven flights.

Actually, maybe attention to detail isn’t quite as high a skill in the aviation industry as one might think.  In Turkey, the Harris family went through customs without a hitch, ready to start their holiday.  Whilst normally that wouldn’t be a problem, in this instance it was a little unusual, given that the passport 9 year old Emily used to go through customs was that of her toy unicorn.

To summarise events: mum and dad present their passports, their passports are inspected by Turkish customs officials, they get their passports stamped.  So far so good.  Next mum accidentally hands her daughter’s toy’s fake passport to customs instead of the real thing.  The passport is twice the size of a normal passport.  It has a giant golden teddy bear on it.  It also, inside, has a picture OF A PURPLE FREAKIN’ UNICORN!!!  The official inspects it, even asks Emily her age, and then stamps it, ushering the family through.

There are only two possible explanations for this.  One is that the official was, in huge quantities, some combination of bored, distracted, or incompetent.  Two is that Emily is purple and has a horn protruding from her forehead.  Either way, something is not right here.  When asked by a reporter if she thought the story was funny, Emily stomped the ground with her hoof twice and then healed the reporter with her magic tears.  It hasn’t been confirmed whether or not the toy unicorn has been travelling on Emily’s passport.

The resemblance is uncanny.

The resemblance is uncanny.

Finally an example of someone doing their job correctly, albeit in the most unusual manner possible.  The Spanish town of Brunete, near Madrid, was having a problem with some of its citizens.  Specifically citizens who allowed their pet dogs to leave smelly ‘presents’ on the pavement without picking them up.

The Brunete Council came up with a radical solution: they mailed the dog doo-doo back to the owners.  Talk about junk mail.

The method of tracking down the culprits is actually quite clever.  Council officials would patrol the streets, and if they saw an owner failing to ‘scoop the poop’, they would strike up a friendly conversation with them and find out the name and breed of their dog.  With that information they could identify the owners through the town’s pet database, and send the offending deposits to them in a package marked ‘lost property’.  It is not known whether the packages were set alight and left on the owners’ doorsteps before their doorbell was rung.

Interestingly the Brunete Council sent a ‘package’ to the owners of iFly, but it had little effect – they still haven’t found it.

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