Bizarre Discoveries, Crazy Exes, and the Worst Use of Fried Chicken Ever

29 Apr

The world is a strange place, which is why I don’t get surprised by stories like these.

The first story is about a 70-year-old Italian man who did get a surprise. The man was feeling in the mood for a little female company, and thought he would hire an escort. In an attempt to be discreet, he decided to look outside his home city of Treviso and find an escort in the neighbouring city of Vicenza. When he met the beauty he received a bit of a shock.

The escort was his son’s girlfriend.

Two things need to be pointed out at this juncture. Firstly, the man did not have a fatal heart attack, which surely would have been on the cards. Secondly, the surprised pair wisely decided not to go ahead with their ‘transaction’.

Given that his son had been under the impression that his girlfriend was a waitress, the man decided to let him know that her employment involved serving more than just pizza and pasta. How did the son react? By fighting his father. Talk about shooting the messenger.

Perhaps the most bizarre part of all is that four years later, the father and son are now in court, because the son is suing the father for injuries sustained during the fight. Finding out your girlfriend is a hooker and getting beaten up by a 70-year-old man? That, my friends, is what you call a bad day.

A little further north, another elderly man made a shocking discovery. Fisherman Bjorn Frilund, 64, caught himself a lovely 5kg cod in the waters off his hometown of Eidsbygda in western Norway. When gutting the fish, Bjorn removed the usual items from its stomach, such as half-digested food, but also removed something he had not seen in a fish in all his years in the trade: a bright orange dildo.

It’s unclear whether the dildo belonged to the fish, the Italian escort, or some other third party, but it certainly gave Bjorn something to talk about at the pub that night. Interestingly, Bjorn told reporters that, “the dildo looks like what the fish eat”. Um, what are they feeding fish in Norway? Or perhaps I should ask what kind of kinky fish do they breed there?

Next time Bjorn, please wear some gloves, okay?

The reports didn’t detail what happened to the dildo. I imagine Bjorn has it tied to the end of a fishing rod in an attempt to catch more cod.

Here’s a tip for anyone wanting to get revenge on an ex-lover: don’t do what Torz Reynolds did. The Londoner had to say goodbye to her boyfriend of two years, Stuart ‘Chopper’ May, because he had to move to Alaska for work. Or so she thought. Soon after their teary airport farewell, she made her own shocking discovery: that Chopper was still living in London, with a girl with whom he had been having a 6 month affair.

Now, it’s fair to say Reynolds made a few mistakes. The first was not changing her name the second she turned 18. (Torz? Really?) The second was dating a guy nicknamed ‘Chopper’. The third was to get a tattoo on her arm that read, ‘Chopper’s Bitch’ (at least she got the apostrophe in there). But her greatest mistake was how she sought revenge on her cheating ex.

Reynolds sliced off her tattoo – skin and all – and mailed it to Chopper.

As Reynolds explains, “I packaged it up so it really did look like a present. I even used different handwriting so he’s have no idea that it was me…I can’t imagine what his reaction was. I wish I could have been there to see it.”

I’m no expert, but my idea of getting revenge does not involve self-mutilation. She didn’t even use anaesthetic! And the worst part is that if her ludicrous actions had any impact on Chopper, she would never know because she wasn’t there to see it.

Photos of Reynold’s ‘gift wrapped’ tattoo. Anyone else surprised she actually got the apostrophe correct?

She says she now has closure, and that Chopper knows “never to mess” with her. Why is that, in case she mutilates herself further? I’m starting to understand why Chopper concocted an elaborate tale of moving overseas to avoid this woman.

Perhaps their relationship would have lasted if this following new product was available when their love was flailing. A florist in Kentucky, US, has partnered with KFC to create a product that frankly should have been on the market for years: a KFC chicken corsage.

In case you are wondering whether your instincts are incorrect, it is exactly how you imagined it: a corsage for the girl to wear to prom that has beautiful baby breath flowers – and a piece of deep fried chicken.

“It goes well with your French fries necklace.”

Whilst your first question is no doubt, ‘Why?’ (if it’s ‘Where can I get one?’ then we have a problem), the next might be, ‘How would you match the corsage to your dress?’ Well there’s good news on that front; the corsages come in Original Recipe, Extra Crispy, or Kentucky Grilled Chicken, so you can accessorise with ease. What I want to know is what happens when you finish eating it. Do you spend the rest of the night with greasy bones dangling off your wrist? Not a good look.

More to the point, what message, exactly, are young men hoping to send their dates with this product? Here’s some chicken to stick to your arm because I know you can’t last until dinner without some saturated fat?

Hopefully the chickens used for the corsages aren’t from Norway, otherwise when the young ladies bite into them, they might discover something inside that will send them an entirely different prom night message.

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