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Dirty Sounding Athlete Names – Baseball Edition

12 May

On our juvenile journey to one day reveal the ten dirtiest sounding names in all of sport, we’ve already had a look at ten of the worst offenders in the world of basketball. Today we continue our immature expedition by stopping off in the land of baseball to see what sort of dirty names we can dig up. Spoiler alert: lots. Here are eleven of the best (or worst, depending on how you look at it).

11. Randy ‘Big Unit’ Johnson

I don’t care if you’re 6’10” like Randy Johnson is, if your name is a dirty sounding declaration of your horniness, you don’t then also give yourself a dirty sounding nickname like ‘Big Unit’.

10. Ralph Pierre ‘Pete’ LaCock

Although then again, a sensible nickname like ‘Pete’ doesn’t hide the fact that you have a dirty sounding name, so you may as well go all out. At least having the ‘La’ makes it a little bit classy. Who are we kidding? It sounds like a porn name from the ‘80s. At least he didn’t have a dirty porn mo.  Oh wait…

"I've come to clean ze pool.

“My name is LaCock.  It’s French for… Well, you get the idea.”

9. Dick Padden

The Red Sox are both the team that Dick Padden played for, and what he presumably used to stuff his underwear in order to live up to his name.

8. Albert Pujols

If you just read Albert Pujols’ name off the page, you may not think it belongs on this list. But when you realise that the ‘j’ in this Dominican-American player’s surname is pronounced like an ‘h’, you’ll quickly see why.

7. ‘Cannonball’ Titcomb

Everything about this guy’s name is hilarious. Bonus points to his mother being named Fanny Titcomb.

6. Dick Wantz

Complete this sentence: Dick Wantz…? The answer…

5. ‘Pussy’ Tebeau

Charles ‘Pussy’ Tebeau: a right fielder who only played in two games his entire career, the punchline to a bad Dick Wantz joke, and a man whose nickname was both dirty and the exact opposite of the usual intimidating monikers of the sporting world. Fantastic triple play.

4. Dick Pole

Why don't these people just call themselves Richard?

Why don’t these people just call themselves Richard?

A former pitcher and pitching coach, Dick Pole wasn’t satisfied with just one name being a synonym for a naughty body part, so he went with two. You couldn’t find a more thinly veiled first name/surname euphemism double whammy.

3. Dick Cox

I stand corrected.

2. Johnny Dickshot

This guy was ahead of his time. He passed away in 1997 – a good fourteen years before Snap Chat was invented.

1. Dick Burns

Well, that’s your fault for not using protection.




A Tribute to the Best Thing about the Sochi Winter Olympic Games

17 Feb

The Winter Olympic Games are aptly named.  This is because the events are exactly that: games, not sports.  As such, I have virtually zero interest in them aside from watching the odd crash on the slopes or the funny reactions of losing figure skaters with poor sportsmanship gamesmanship.

However, even I need to stop and give credit where credit is due.  There is one team of athletes competing at these Games who deserve every ounce of our respect for their amazing accomplishments.  A team who stand for the absolute peak of human perfection.  Idols against which all of us are measured, and found wanting.  I’m talking, of course, about the Norwegian Curling Team.

For those of you unfamiliar with curling, the sport game is something like lawn bowls on ice, only if lawn bowls included domestic chores.  Norway is probably excellent at the sport game – I have no idea, and I have no idea how they’re doing at the Games; all I know is that they love rocking the most awesomely terrible outfits of all time.

Have a look at their get up for this promotional shoot pre-Olympics:


You may not be able to spot the team as they pretty much blend into the bleak grey background, but that is them in the matching suits boldly patterned with the colours of the Norwegian flag, bent askew in a thick zigzag.  In stark contrast, they are wearing very sensible white shirts and black shoes; not sure what happened there.  Also note that the teammate on the right, Havard Vad Petersson, looks particularly displeased at being interrupted whilst he was trying to remove snow and debris from the building’s entrance.

I’m sure you’ll agree that the above sartorial display is so amazing that it must have happened at a serendipitous moment where the stars aligned and everything came together in costuming magic, never to be recreated.

You would be wrong.

The above is just a taste of the team’s tremendous tailoring talent.  It’s been going on for years, as evidenced by their efforts at the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympic Games.  Norway won silver in that competition.  Here they are after receiving their medals:


You may have noticed that wedged between their perfectly reasonable jackets and the same sensible black shoes as their promo shot, the team seem to be wearing pants not too dissimilar to what your grandfather might wear to bed.  My theory is that there was a terrible laundry accident in Vancouver that ruined their tracksuits, leaving them with no alternative other than to wear their pyjamas onto the podium.  They were able to cover the tops with their jackets, but alas, their pyjama pants remained exposed to the world.  Instead of being embarrassed by the event, the Norwegians embraced it, and realised that the world of curling needed a team of brash, pyjama pants wearing sportsman gamesman to spice things up.  And from there they flourished.

Have a look at what they wore the following year at the World Curling Championships (it exists!):


The Norwegians rocked the pyjama pants again, and with great aplomb.  Knowing that they needed to top their efforts at Vancouver, the team offset the PJs with a whole new ensemble.  Holding the adorably ghastly slacks in place are stark white belts, and completing the ensemble is what appears to be a matching set of mechanics’ shirts.  All in all, you’ll agree, an absolutely smashing uniform.

You will notice the competitor on the right, Christoffer Svae, has his eyes closed, his thoughts seemingly elsewhere.  Well it turns out he is dreaming up what the team should don in their next competition, the 2012 European Curling Championships.  Again, it is a master stroke.  Behold:


Some people just know what to do with pants, don’t they?  Proudly displaying their affection for their homeland, these pants exhibit a pattern of repeating Norwegian flags in the bold red, white and blue of the national standard.  They stand, as always, on a foundation of the plain black shoes they know and love best, and one competitor wears a matching glove.  Look closely at the gentlemen crouching in the background, Thomas Ulsrud.  Could that be the collar of a skivvy peeking out from his shirt?  I hope so.

Given all of the above, the question on everyone’s lips was this: just what exactly would the Norwegians have in store when they actually took to the ice at Sochi?  Would they be able to live up to the high standards they had set for themselves?

You’d better believe it.


Where to start?  As always, it has to be the pants.  The signature colours are there, this time aligned in a kaleidoscopic geometric pattern that dazzles and intoxicates.  What exactly are the shapes?  It’s unclear, although I would contend they are either ships from Space Invaders or a cartoon representation of Gene Simmons’ hair.

The signature black shoes are present, although wedged between them and the crazy pants are a new inclusion: mid-length socks.  Broken by a thick red line bordered by white stripes, the socks are a dark blue that clash with the blue of the pants, which is several shades lighter.  But not to worry, as the darker colour slashes down the left side of the team’s polo shirts, recalling images of half a pair of braces.

What elevates the ensemble above perhaps even their own gold standards are the additional accessories.  John Christoffer Svae, on the right, is wearing a rather fetching pair of gloves, no doubt enhancing his sweeping capabilities.  The real flourish that puts this outfit over the top, however, are the flat caps.

Comprising a series of mismatched purples, the flat caps not only clash with the outfit beautifully, but protect the team from the burning Russian winter sun that blazes down outside the ice-rink. What more could one possibly ask for?  Perhaps a side shot of the uniform, as displayed by Thomas Ulsrud in action:



All that is left to say is this: whether or not Norway come away with gold, they are clearly winners in all our hearts.

Now I’m off to buy some new pants.

Stupid Sports Quotes – American Football Edition

3 Feb

NFL Super Bowl XLVIII was played out yesterday between the Seattle Seahawks and the Denver Broncos.  The Super Bowl, of course, represents the absolute peak of football prowess (although maybe not yesterday, given the score line – yowsers).

Although few can match footballers for physical power, footballers can match few for intellectual power.  Which is great, as it means they provide some of the funniest quotes ever.  Enjoy the Stupidest Sports Quotes – American Football Edition.

“Defensively, I think it’s important for us to tackle.”Karl Mecklenburg, Denver Broncos linebacker, before Super Bowl XXIV.

An astute observation by a clearly cerebral player.  Sadly his successors on the Broncos forgot this bit of advice yesterday.

“I don’t care what the tape says.  I didn’t say it.”  – Former NFL coach Ray Malavasi.

“And even though you’re filming this, I didn’t say that either.”

“Most of my clichés aren’t original.”  – Chuck Knox, when he coached the St Louis Rams.

It is possible that Chuck is not entirely clear on the definition of ‘cliché’.

“He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.”Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his 1991 coach, John Jenkins.

You know you really have the coach’s respect when he lets you wear lipstick.

This guy has A LOT of respect.

This guy has A LOT of respect.

“I may be dumb, but I’m not stupid.”Former  player/announcer Terry Bradshaw.

Half of that statement is true.

“I don’t think there’s anybody in this organisation not focused on the 49ers… I mean Chargers.”NFL Coach Bill Belichick.

I hope he doesn’t make similar slips of the tongue when talking about his wife.

“I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”New Orleans Saint running back George Rogers.

Rogers actually made 1,781 yards and won the Heisman Trophy that year (1980).  I guess 1,781 comes before both 1,000 and 1,500.

“I feel like I’m the best, but you’re not going to get me to say that.” Wide receiver Jerry Rice.


It's hard to be humble when you're standing in front of a jet and a sports car.

It’s hard to be humble when you’re standing in front of a jet and a sports car.

“You guys line up alphabetically by height.” Late coach Bill Peterson.

I would love to have seen the team’s attempt to comply with that order.

“You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.”

Yep, coach Bill Peterson again.

“We’re not attempting to circumcise rules.”Bill Cowher, Pittsburgh Steelers coach.

I’m sure most of the players would agree that if it came to a choice between them and the rules, they would choose the rules.

“He’s about the size of a lot of guys that size.”Offensive coordinator Gary Crowton, on quarterback Cade McNown.

Whoa!  Meta!

“It’s a humbling thing being humble.”Former Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett on seeing his stock drop before the 2005 NFL draft.

He may have received advice on humility from Jerry Rice.

“I used to have this slight speech implement and couldn’t remember things before I took the Sam Carnegie course.”

Bill Peterson, yet again.

“Don’t say I don’t get along with my teammates.  I just don’t get along with some of the guys on the team.”Wide receiver Terrell Owens.

I’m starting to get an inkling as to why he doesn’t get on with them.

(On whether, with his coaching staff, he could lead the Colts to the ‘promised land’.)  “It isn’t like I came down from Mount Sinai with the tabloids.”Former Indianapolis Colts coach Ron Meyer.

To be fair, I don’t think Moses did either.

Tablets!  Get it?

Tablets! Get it?

“I’m the football coach around here and don’t you remember it.”

Seriously Bill Peterson.  Just stop talking!

“Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”Commentator and former player Joe Theismann.

I think we’ve pretty clearly established that nobody in football is under threat of being called a genius.