Archive | January, 2014

The Silly Season

19 Jan

They call that magical time around Christmas and New Year’s many things: ‘the festive season’, ‘the holidays’, ‘non-descript religious or secular celebration period’, ‘the festival of bombarding my letter box with junk mail’, ‘how to buy eleven gifts in one shop in 25 minutes-fest’, and many more.

One commonly used term is the ‘silly season’.  Presumably this is to reflect the fact that people do things such as get drunk at their office party, pash the weird person from cubicle 17, and then spew on their boss’ shoes.  However, upon reflecting upon the news of the world during the most recent silly season, I think it goes deeper than that.  In fact, it might be time to update the phrase. Perhaps, ‘I’m embarrassed to live on this planet season’.  You need evidence?  Observe.

Silly Curiosity

In country Victoria, Australia, a man by the name of Laurence found himself stuck in an awkward position.  How awkward?  Try stuck in a top-loader washing machine.  Naked.  To the point that he needed the assistance of rescue services to get him out.

Yes, just before jumping into the shower, a naked Laurence wondered whether he could fit into his washing machine, or as he put it, he “decided to have a bit of sneaky fun while in the nude”.  Possibly the first person to decide that loading himself into a washing machine is the preferred method of having sneaky fun in the nude, Laurence soon found out that he indeed could fit into the machine.  Unfortunately just a little too snuggly.

This is what happens when you put men in charge of the washing.

This is what happens when you put men in charge of the washing.

For reasons impossible to guess, Laurence had brought his mobile phone with him, so when he realised he was stuck, he called a female friend for help.  As could be expected, when he told her that he was stuck naked in a washing machine, she didn’t believe him.  He eventually managed to convince her, at which point he instructed to call his parents to bring an angle grinder to slice the washing machine in half, or otherwise the emergency services.  She chose the latter, probably wisely depending on how accurate his parents are with an angle grinder.

At first the rescue teams tried greasing Laurence with shower conditioner and olive oil, but to no avail.  After twenty minutes, most of which I assume was spent gawking in amazement and trying to get Laurence to explain what he was really doing, they managed to get him out by tipping the washing machine over and watching him slide out.

Needless to say no one will ever want to wash their clothes in that machine again.

Silly Mistake

Some felons in Germany obviously partied a bit too hard over the New Year’s period, as they made a mistake so silly it was criminal.

Workers at five separate stores in and around Berlin were unpacking crates of bananas to stock their shelves, only to make an unusual discovery.  The crates contained not only bananas, but also a collective 140 kilograms (309 pounds) of cocaine.  Talk about a fruit salad with a kick.

Don't put these bananas in your kids' lunchbox.

Don’t put these bananas in your kids’ lunchboxes.

The head of Berlin’s anti-drug squad looked into the unusual deliveries and discovered that the crates had come from Columbia via Hamburg.  Squad member Olaf Schremm said that the smugglers had probably made “a logistical error”.  Given that the drugs had a street value of 6 million Euros, that’s one heck of an error.  Upon hearing the news the head of that drug ring no doubt went bananas.

Silly Lawsuit

We’ve shown a lot of silly lawsuits lately here on Hesaidwhatnow? but it seems they just keep coming.  A man by the ridiculous name of Sirgiorgiro Clardy from Oregon, US, was given a whopping 100-year jail term for a range of crimes, among them stomping on a man’s face with a pair of Nike shoes for failing to pay for a prostitute Clardy was pimping.  To demonstrate that he was not only a quality citizen but a cautious and thoughtful litigant, Clardy then filed a lawsuit that’s probably the dumbest of the year so far.

He sued Nike $100 million for failing to label his shoes as “dangerous weapons”.

Yes, Clardy clearly feels as though his violent stomping assault of the victim was as much Nike’s fault as his own, as they did not warn consumers that their products could be used as a weapon.

These Nikes may look cute, but they are MORE DEADLY THAN GUNS!!!

These Nikes may look cute, but they are MORE DEADLY THAN GUNS!!!

As Clardy explains in his typically well written lawsuit, “Under product liability there is a certain standard of care that is required to be upheld by potentially dangerous product… [Due] to the fact that these defendants named in this Tort claim failed to warn of risk or to provide an adequate warning or instruction it has caused personal injury in the likes of mental suffering.”  I think the mental problems started long before Clardy got his hands on a pair of Nikes.

Hopefully we’ll never have to read on the side of a box of Nike shoes, “Warning: These shoes can be dangerous if used to stomp in the head of someone who refuses to pay for a trick.”  Pimping ain’t easy.

Silly Headline

Speaking of classy people from Oregon, US, 37-year-old Oregonian man Andrew Frey had a little too much fun a few days before Christmas, resulting in the following actual headline, which made me do a double take when I read it:

“Meth user fights off 15 police officers ‘while masturbating in a bar’.”

Fighting off 15 police officers is a fair effort.  Doing so whilst masturbating?  That’s amazing.  Disgusting, but amazing.

Picture this (actually don’t, because it’s gross): Mr Frey, high on meth, exposed himself to a bartender at Iggy’s Bar & Grill before he began to pleasure himself.  He moved his ‘activities’ to the bathroom before the police were called onto the scene.

Before 15 officers from three different forces finally subdued the offender, Deputy Peter Walker arrived on the scene alone and had a lot of trouble stopping Frey.  According to the official police statement, Deputy Walker used a Taser on Frey “multiple times but it had no effect”.  Are we sure this guy isn’t the Hulk’s more perverted brother?

He was eventually brought down and charged with public indecency, resisting arrest and theft of services, but at least Frey will always truthfully be able to say that he beat off the police one-handed.

On reflection I probably shouldn’t have used the phrase, “beat off”.  That was a bit silly.  ‘Tis the season though.