Tag Archives: zombies

Zombeavers: The New Sharknado?

11 Feb

As regular Hesaidwhatnow? readers will be well aware, Sharknado is one of the greatest movies of all time.  Any time you see former Beverly Hills 90210 supporting star Ian Ziering flying through the mouth of a flying shark with a chainsaw and coming out the other end, you know you are watching cinema greatness.  These are moments that shape our lives.

Well grab your chainsaw and get ready to suspend your belief in a huge way again, as we might be in for some more greatness.

The good folks at top tier studios Armory Films and BenderSpink have conspired to bring us a new film, Zombeavers.  What is a ‘zombeaver’ you might ask?  Well, it is the stuff of nightmares: zombie beavers.

You'd better believe that's a bad movie poster pun!

You’d better believe that’s a bad movie poster pun!

I know what you’re thinking: “A movie about zombie beavers?  Well it’s about time.”  Yes it is, and if the trailer is any indication, the wait has been worth it.

As you might expect with a budget horror film, the usual rules are adhered to.  A bunch of college students go away on a trip together in a cabin in a small town, spooky enough that something bad is bound to happen, and secluded enough that no one can rescue them – except maybe the random (and in this case, extremely creepy) local that they bump into.  Said college students are hot, meaning plenty of excuses for nudity and innuendo.

And with that standard template an extraordinary vision is realised.

"Wait - that's not my shoe."

“Wait – that’s not my shoe.”

Here are some highlights from the trailer:

–        Three hot girls in two and a half bikinis have no problem making chit chat with a creepy stranger who is carrying a massive gun.  No surprise that Creepy Guy makes the first of what no doubt will be many of the film’s very unsubtle beaver puns.  In fact, they manage to squeeze two of them into the 90 second trailer.

–        After killing a vicious beaver, the guy pulls a classic horror movie error and leaves it out on the porch instead of disposing of it properly.  Yep, that won’t come back to bite you.  Literally.  Although in fairness, it’s probably not anyone’s fault that they didn’t anticipate a beaver coming back to life as a bloodthirsty zombeaver.

–        Apparently a beaver dam on one road is enough to prevent a car of students from leaving town.

–        There are some cracking lines, but the best is easily, “We cannot turn against each other right now.  That is exactly what the beavers would want.”  Yes, yes it is.  I guarantee you no one graduates from acting college dreaming of delivering that line on film.

–        The trailer ends on an absolute high.  I will leave it to you all to watch instead of spoiling it, although I will say that I think we have 2014’s marquee Halloween costume idea already.

The trailer claims that zombeavers are the “next level of zombies”.  Based on what we’ve seen, it’s hard to argue with that.

Hesaidwhatnow? will definitely keep you posted of any zombeaver news.  In the meantime, if you come across any creepy dudes with guns, make sure you befriend him just in case.  And brace yourself for some double entendres.

A World Full of Cheats

5 Aug

I think it was the Dalai Lama that once said, “Cheating is what separates us from the animals,” moments before he swindled Desmond Tutu in a game of high stakes poker.  As humans, sometimes we can’t help it (some more than others – cough, cough, Lance Armstrong, cough) but in recent weeks there have been some people in the news for cheating (or almost cheating) in the most ludicrous of ways.

First comes a man who cheated the system.  Lenin Carballido narrowly won the mayoral election of San Agustin Amatengo, a village near the colonial city of Oaxaca in southern Mexico, and was all set to take up public office.  I know what you’re thinking, but no – Carballido did not rig the election to cheat his way into office.  There was a different problem.

Carballido was dead.

Well, strictly speaking – from a purely scientific perspective – Carballido wasn’t actually dead, insofar as he was technically alive.  However a death certificate had surfaced, indicating that he supposedly had died in 2010 of a diabetic coma.  A slight problem if someone wants to take office.

"I can't believe that worked!"

“I can’t believe that worked!”

It turns out that Carballido had forged his death certificate in order for his family to convince police to drop an arrest warrant against him.  It had worked – until Carballido was stupid enough to run for the most public role in the town and think no one would be suspicious that he also was legally dead.  Not the smartest mayoral policy.

In a bizarrely analogous story of people being both dead and alive, doctors at St Joseph’s Hospital in Syracuse, New York, were about to operate on a dead woman in order to harvest her organs.  Just as the doctors were about to remove her organs, the woman, Colleen Burns, woke up.  Now a zombie, Colleen rampaged through the hospital, killing innocent people and eating their brains.  OK, that bit’s not true, but she did wake up on the operating table moments before being carved open, surprising everyone.

Burns was lucky to cheat death, but the hospital is now under investigation after it was discovered that there were several things that could have indicated to a talented doctor, if he or she were observant enough, that Burns was in fact not as dead as was claimed.  For example, the day before the operation her toes moved in response to a reflex test.  Also, her nostrils flared on the way to the operating room, indicating that she was breathing independently.  Her lips and tongue were also moving.  I don’t claim to be a doctor, but I would be fairly confident that these are signs of a living person.

The good news is that a spokesman for the hospital stated that they have learned from the experience and “modified our policies”.  I assume that the modified policy is along the lines of “don’t harvest organs from living people”.

Possibly Colleen Burns.

Possibly Colleen Burns.

In Japan, men and women all over the country are trying to cheat fate, and doing so in a peculiar manner: by having surgery on their hands.  How does that work exactly?  The trend relies on the ancient practice of palmistry, the belief that someone’s future can be read by looking at the lines on their palm.  So people who don’t like their future are having surgery to extend or add lines, thus altering their destiny.

Apparently men are interested in changing their business and financial lines, whereas women are most interested in changing their marriage lines.  Robin Thicke is interested in blurred lines.

Dr Matsuoka of Shonan Beauty Clinic’s Shinjuku branch said that you cannot perform the surgery with a laser, as it “heals, and it won’t leave a clear mark.”  Instead he performs surgery with an “electric scalpel and make a shaky incision on purpose, because palm lines are never completely straight.”  Ouch.  And so it is that many people try to improve their future health and finances by booking themselves in for a painful surgical procedure that will cost them $1100.  That makes perfect sense.

In the US, there was an interesting story about a man trying not to cheat.  Melissa Nelson, 33, had worked as a dental assistant to James Knight for a decade, before Knight fired her.  Nelson was a diligent worker who was very good at her job, but Knight felt that he had no choice but to dismiss her, on account of the fact that she was too attractive and he was worried he would have an affair.  Looks like the only occasion where it wouldn’t pay to be a ‘model employee’ (pun!).

Nelson sued Knight, but the Iowa Supreme Court upheld the District Court’s original ruling that such firings do not count as illegal sex discrimination because they are motivated by feelings rather than gender.   Following that logic, I expect a spike in other firings motivated by feelings in the workplace.  Of hatred and annoyance.

The case also raises another question.  How does it make the other members of Knight’s all-female staff – including Nelson’s replacement – feel?  It must be the only workplace in the world where staff are offended if they don’t get fired.

The most blatant cheating of recent weeks, however, happened in Nigeria, and it didn’t even involve an email seeking bank account details.  Two amateur soccer teams, United Feeders and Police Machine (awesome names!), were fighting it out in a tournament to get promoted to the Nationwide League Division 3, Nigeria’s lowest professional league.  As both teams had the exact same records and the exact same for and against, the team that won their final game by the most goals would score the coveted promotion to the professional league.  In a very, very subtle ploy to be the successful team, Police Machine won their game 67 – 0.  Not a typo – that’s 67 goals!  Given that they had scored a combined two goals in their other two games, the result raised some eyebrows.

"Oh no!  I totally let in another goal!  Oh darn it."

“Oh no! I totally let in another goal! Oh darn it.”

I don’t think there could have been any way that they could have cheated more blatantly.  Oh wait – apparently there is a way.  United Feeders won their game 79 – 0.  That’s almost a goal a minute!  And the score was only 7 – 0 at halftime, so in the second half they scored a goal every 40 seconds!!!  It comes as no surprise that both teams – and their opponents – are being investigated for cheating.  Although it is Nigeria so maybe it is a little surprising.

The only way that officials could have missed the fact that these teams were cheating would have been if they worked at St Joseph’s Hospital.  Next time they want to win, the teams should just have palm surgery on their success lines.