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The Dos and Don’ts of Airline Travel

19 Apr

For everything in life, there is the right way to do things, and the wrong way to do things.  This certainly applies to air travel, where these two men recently demonstrated both approaches.  By which I mean the right way to be an idiot, and the wrong way to be an idiot.

The first is a man who was faced with a dilemma before boarding his flight to Nairobi, Kenya at Guangzhou Baiyun International Airport in China.  Upon check-in he was told that his baggage was over the weight limit and he would therefore have to pay a charge. The problem was a relatively common one.

His solution definitely was not.

Instead of copping the fine, the man emptied his suitcase of its clothing, and put the items on.  All of them.  As in nine pairs of jeans and over 60 shirts.  Over what he was already wearing.  Talk about accessorising.

Hmmm, it's a bit chilly.  I think I'll wear...everything!

Hmmm, it’s a bit chilly. I think I’ll wear…everything!

A couple of questions spring to mind.  Firstly, how did he manage to fit all the clothes on top of each other?  One can safely assume that skinny jeans were not involved. Secondly, how did he move once he had them on, let alone fit through the cabin door and into his seat?  Most pertinently, though, did he really need to put on all of his clothes to get under the weight limit?  Surely a slightly less ridiculous option would be to put on a lazy 20 or so items and see if that did the trick?  Either way, he prevented the airline getting more money out of him, so he should be applauded.

This guy, however, should not.

On a flight from Reykjavik, Iceland, to New York, USA, one passenger became so unruly that his fellow passengers did this:

I wonder if I could do this at work?

I wonder if I could do this at work?

The unnamed 46 year old resident of Iceland apparently drank all of his duty free liquor on the plane, resulting in him transforming into the most annoying human being on the planet.  He took being loud and abusive to new levels: in between screaming that the plane was going to crash, the man took time out to spit on passengers and try to choke the woman who had the very good fortune of having the seat next to him.

Deciding that being assaulted was probably not the most acceptable on-flight experience, the other passengers took matters into their own hands and tied the man to his seat, wrapping his abusive mouth up for good measure.  Although the end result was only slightly less comfortable than a normal airline seat, the DIY project did the trick, proving yet again that duct tape can fix almost any problem.

Although it was a good job that the man wasn’t wearing 60 shirts and nine pairs of jeans at the time, otherwise they might not have had enough tape.

Super Heroes and Mutant Villains – Update!

23 Mar

He has been revealed!

For those who missed it, recently on Hesaidwhatnow? we reported that a hero dressed as the Caped Crusader apprehended a wanted criminal and took him to the police.  Awesome.  The man – dubbed the ‘Bradford Batman’ – then “promptly vanished into the night to fight crime, and the fear of crime”, as the local police described it, before his identity could be revealed.

Well the Bradford Batman has taken an unprecedented step for a superhero and disclosed his identity.  No, he is not handsome billionaire Bruce Wayne, but 39-year-old Chinese takeaway deliveryman, Stan Warby.  Holy kung pow chicken!

 

Inspiring fear into the hearts of all criminals

Inspiring fear into the hearts of all criminals

As Warby described it, he was friends with the criminal in question, and had been trying to “knock some sense into him” during the week to try to get him to turn himself in to police (as opposed to turning himself into police, which would require the ability to multiply himself and several years’ training at the Police Academy).  After some time in contemplation – possibly in a cave full of bats – the criminal came to his senses and asked Warby to give him a lift to the station.  The problem was at that moment Warby had just been to a soccer match, dressed as the Dark Knight.  Hence all the fun.

So why did Warby decide to expose his secret?  For fame or fortune?  To inspire the Peter Parkers and Clark Kents of the world to share their identity?  No, Warby’s chief motivator it seems was to let everyone know that he only appeared tubby in the footage captured on the famous night because he was wearing a tracksuit underneath his costume.  You might say such motivation is vain, but think of what Penguin and the Joker might do if they thought Batman had let himself go?

Instead, the local community can relax, knowing that out there, somewhere, a hero is there to save the day.  So remember Bradford, if you see the Bradford Batman, be sure to thank him.  And tip him generously for the sizzling Mongolian lamb and honey chicken.

Super Heroes and Mutant Villains

11 Mar

It’s a dangerous world in which we live.  Everyday we run the risk of getting hit by a car, being the victim of a crime, or accidentally hearing a Nickelback song.  In fact it has gotten so bad that there are now mutant villains plaguing the world (seriously – we’ll get to that shortly).

Luckily we also have this guy.

In Bradford, England, the police were looking for a felon wanted for fraud and stolen goods offences, but were having no success in finding him.  Like Bonny Tyler, the Bradford police needed a hero.  A superhero.

To the police’s great surprise, their wish came true, when none other than Batman himself brought the wanted criminal to the Bradford Police Station.

Holy spandex Batman!

Holy spandex Batman!

Looking a little more ‘Adam West’ than ‘Christian Bale’, the Caped Crusader brought the dastardly villain to the authorities, telling the officers “I’ve caught this one for you.”  With the crook in custody, Batman fled off into the night to get his hands on more criminals – or possibly a six-pack and a kebab.  Even though his identity remains unknown, the citizens of Bradford feel a little safer knowing that a portly man in a grey suit is out there, cleaning up the streets, and the remains of last night’s pizza.

It may not be long before the city of Tehran shines the Bat-Signal into the night sky in a desperate attempt to gain help for its current problem – mutant rats.  The Iranian capital is in the midst of a plague, the city being overrun by “mutant rats” that have grown freakishly huge due to “being exposed to radiation and chemicals”.

Under normal circumstances, this wouldn’t be a problem, as the rats would go on to become wise mentors to fun loving teenage mutant ninja turtles; however in this instance the rats have become cat sized and outnumber the human citizens living in the city.

Public Service Announcement: Hide your cheese

Public Service Announcement: Hide your cheese

The initial solution was poison, but the effectiveness of that solution is decreasing against the “hyper-evolved” rodents, so the Iranian government has devised a new plan: snipers.

Originally the government deployed 10 squads of snipers, but the Rodents of Unusual Size were too numerous, and so that number was upped to 40.  Deployed with the most advanced weaponry, including laser sight rifles, the snipers hunt their enemy around the clock.  Yet still the rat epidemic continues.

Mutant rats, the Caped Crusader – I feel a Dark Knight Rises sequel coming…

The Mayans Didn’t Predict This

30 Dec

The Mayan calendar ended this month, which some took as a prediction of the end of the world.  I think it’s more likely that the guy who invented the Mayan calendar simply thought that making it last until 2012 was a good enough job which, I think we all can agree, is probably fair.  It’s certainly better than how long my iPhone battery lasts.

In any event, the world hasn’t imploded or appeared to have changed at all.  Which is great to know, because it means that the world’s population continues to do stupid things and get into strange situations, which provides us with wonderfully weird news.

Take this guy for example.  Tomasz Paczkowski, of Elbag, Poland, thought he would impress his girlfriend by doing some ironing.  He was having a few drinks and watching some boxing as he went about his chores, when the phone rang.  Sadly, Mr Paczkowski is not great at multitasking.  Distracted – possibly with wondering how his name contains both an ‘sz’ and a ‘czk’ – he answered the phone and put it to his ear.  At least that’s what he thought he was doing.  What he actually did was put the red-hot scalding iron to his face.

As Mr Paczkowski explained, “Trouble was, [I got] so involved in the boxing that I wasn’t really thinking about what I was doing.  So when the phone rang I picked up the iron by mistake and pressed it to my ear.”

Either this guy is the world’s worst multitasker, or he’s the most committed disciple of the theory that if you do a job poorly, your girlfriend won’t ever ask you to do it again.

The less stupid Iron Man

The less stupid Iron Man

Over in New Zealand, a hospital reacted to a strange situation by administering some even stranger medication.

Sixty-five year old Denis Duthie was rushed to Taranaki Base Hospital after suddenly going blind in both eyes.  The staff quickly realised that the vodka he had been drinking had reacted with his diabetes medication, causing formaldehyde poisoning.  The only way to treat formaldehyde poisoning caused by the vodka?  By administering ethanol – the type of alcohol found in alcoholic beverages.

To alcohol: the cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!

To alcohol: the cause of – and solution to – all of life’s problems!

However a problem quickly emerged: there was no medical alcohol in the hospital, so the registrar had to run to the local bottle shop and pick up a bottle of whiskey.  Interestingly it took her exactly as long as it would take to run to her desk, open her drawer, and return.

The hospital staff administered the whiskey directly into Mr Duthie’s stomach, and in five days he awoke, his vision completely restored.

One can only assume that this was the first ever case of someone being blind drunk and having alcohol pumped into his stomach.

Another guy who sounds like he might need some medical attention is the US federal worker who was officially reprimanded for excessive farting in the workplace.

The unnamed worker received a five page letter outlining the times and dates of his farting, as well as the effects his flatulence was having on his work colleagues.  As a result of the employee “[disrupting] the work floor by passing gas and releasing an unpleasant odor”, the official reprimand charged the employee for “conduct unbecoming a federal employee”.  It my books, that behaviour constitutes conduct unbecoming anyone.

You know you've got a problem when you receive a letter like this.

You know you’ve got a problem when you receive a letter like this.

The official reprimand came after conversations about the problem with several of his managers, including in performance discussions.  Despite these warnings the behaviour continued, and the letter ‘let rip’, outlining sixty specific incidents that were described variously as “uncontrollable flatulence” that had created an “intolerable” and “hostile” work environment, “releasing [of] the awful and unpleasant odor”, and “continuous releasing of your bodily gas and the terrible smell that comes with the gas.”

Who says that public servants can’t get in trouble for farting around?