Tag Archives: Funny news

Creative Ways to Beat the Economic Crisis

15 Jun

In these tough economic times, people are having to be more and more creative to make ends meet.  However some are more creative than others.

Natalie Dylan, a 22 year old from San Diego, was looking for a way to raise money to pay for a university degree.  Her solution?  Auctioning her virginity.  Yep, she picked up the phone and called the Moonlite Bunny Ranch brothel in Nevada (“the Classy State”) who were accepting online bids for the unique prize.

An actual sign outside the Moonlite Bunny Ranch

And how much does it cost to have a bite at the cherry so to speak?  The winning bid was a staggering $5.4 million.  Financial crisis my ass.  For that sort of money she’d better cook a damn good breakfast the next morning.  I’d be stealing robes and bath soaps from her house as well.

Natalie said that she got the idea after watching her sister raise money for her own university degree.  Don’t worry, I know what you’re thinking but no, Natalie’s sister didn’t do anything as crazy as auctioning her virginity.  She simply became a prostitute for three weeks.  Mr and Mrs Dylan must be so proud.

A Danish woman has come up with an even more bizarre way to beat her economic blues.  The unnamed 61 year old entered a Nordea Bank branch in Svendborg, Denmark, and handed over 2000 Kroner of Swedish bills.  The bank teller then exchanged the money for 1400 Danish Kroner.  Nothing unusual about that… except that the bills the woman handed over were from the game Monopoly.  Wow.  Here’s hoping banks worldwide adopt a similar policy.

The bank’s manager, Ulrik Feveile, was quoted as saying that, “As long as humans are involved, mistakes will happen”.  I think that even if a monkey was working at the bank that day it would not have made that particular error.

Mr Feveile defended his employee, calling him an “inexperienced” bank teller as though that absolved him from accepting as legal tender a small piece of funny coloured paper with ‘Monopoly’ and ‘Parker Brothers Games’ written on it.  Any more “inexperienced” and he’ll start taking money made from chocolate.  I reckon if I turned up with a sack full of dirty laundry he’d accept it as long as it had a big green dollar sign painted on the side.

Having evidently rolled a double and feeling lucky, the woman returned to the same branch the next day and tried the scam again, only to get caught by the bank teller (who presumably was more “experienced” than his colleague) and promptly arrested.  She was sent directly to jail and was not allowed to pass Go.

The woman has reportedly told authorities that she was forced into the counterfeit operation by a third party.  Police are currently on the look out for a man with a large white moustache wearing a top hat, tails and a monocle.  A stake out is planned on the corner of Mayfair and Park Lane.

Do not approach this man – he is considered armed and dangerous.

The real victim of this crime?  The poor bastard who went to the ATM to withdraw cash and instead received Monopoly money.  The only thing worse than that would be coming second in a beauty contest.

As for the woman, she was charged for theft with bail set at $20,000 Kronor.  Rumour has it that to raise bail she has contacted the Moonlite Bunny Ranch to auction her virginity.

The Dos and Don’ts of Airline Travel

19 Apr

For everything in life, there is the right way to do things, and the wrong way to do things.  This certainly applies to air travel, where these two men recently demonstrated both approaches.  By which I mean the right way to be an idiot, and the wrong way to be an idiot.

The first is a man who was faced with a dilemma before boarding his flight to Nairobi, Kenya at Guangzhou Baiyun International Airport in China.  Upon check-in he was told that his baggage was over the weight limit and he would therefore have to pay a charge. The problem was a relatively common one.

His solution definitely was not.

Instead of copping the fine, the man emptied his suitcase of its clothing, and put the items on.  All of them.  As in nine pairs of jeans and over 60 shirts.  Over what he was already wearing.  Talk about accessorising.

Hmmm, it's a bit chilly.  I think I'll wear...everything!

Hmmm, it’s a bit chilly. I think I’ll wear…everything!

A couple of questions spring to mind.  Firstly, how did he manage to fit all the clothes on top of each other?  One can safely assume that skinny jeans were not involved. Secondly, how did he move once he had them on, let alone fit through the cabin door and into his seat?  Most pertinently, though, did he really need to put on all of his clothes to get under the weight limit?  Surely a slightly less ridiculous option would be to put on a lazy 20 or so items and see if that did the trick?  Either way, he prevented the airline getting more money out of him, so he should be applauded.

This guy, however, should not.

On a flight from Reykjavik, Iceland, to New York, USA, one passenger became so unruly that his fellow passengers did this:

I wonder if I could do this at work?

I wonder if I could do this at work?

The unnamed 46 year old resident of Iceland apparently drank all of his duty free liquor on the plane, resulting in him transforming into the most annoying human being on the planet.  He took being loud and abusive to new levels: in between screaming that the plane was going to crash, the man took time out to spit on passengers and try to choke the woman who had the very good fortune of having the seat next to him.

Deciding that being assaulted was probably not the most acceptable on-flight experience, the other passengers took matters into their own hands and tied the man to his seat, wrapping his abusive mouth up for good measure.  Although the end result was only slightly less comfortable than a normal airline seat, the DIY project did the trick, proving yet again that duct tape can fix almost any problem.

Although it was a good job that the man wasn’t wearing 60 shirts and nine pairs of jeans at the time, otherwise they might not have had enough tape.

The Mayans Didn’t Predict This

30 Dec

The Mayan calendar ended this month, which some took as a prediction of the end of the world.  I think it’s more likely that the guy who invented the Mayan calendar simply thought that making it last until 2012 was a good enough job which, I think we all can agree, is probably fair.  It’s certainly better than how long my iPhone battery lasts.

In any event, the world hasn’t imploded or appeared to have changed at all.  Which is great to know, because it means that the world’s population continues to do stupid things and get into strange situations, which provides us with wonderfully weird news.

Take this guy for example.  Tomasz Paczkowski, of Elbag, Poland, thought he would impress his girlfriend by doing some ironing.  He was having a few drinks and watching some boxing as he went about his chores, when the phone rang.  Sadly, Mr Paczkowski is not great at multitasking.  Distracted – possibly with wondering how his name contains both an ‘sz’ and a ‘czk’ – he answered the phone and put it to his ear.  At least that’s what he thought he was doing.  What he actually did was put the red-hot scalding iron to his face.

As Mr Paczkowski explained, “Trouble was, [I got] so involved in the boxing that I wasn’t really thinking about what I was doing.  So when the phone rang I picked up the iron by mistake and pressed it to my ear.”

Either this guy is the world’s worst multitasker, or he’s the most committed disciple of the theory that if you do a job poorly, your girlfriend won’t ever ask you to do it again.

The less stupid Iron Man

The less stupid Iron Man

Over in New Zealand, a hospital reacted to a strange situation by administering some even stranger medication.

Sixty-five year old Denis Duthie was rushed to Taranaki Base Hospital after suddenly going blind in both eyes.  The staff quickly realised that the vodka he had been drinking had reacted with his diabetes medication, causing formaldehyde poisoning.  The only way to treat formaldehyde poisoning caused by the vodka?  By administering ethanol – the type of alcohol found in alcoholic beverages.

To alcohol: the cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!

To alcohol: the cause of – and solution to – all of life’s problems!

However a problem quickly emerged: there was no medical alcohol in the hospital, so the registrar had to run to the local bottle shop and pick up a bottle of whiskey.  Interestingly it took her exactly as long as it would take to run to her desk, open her drawer, and return.

The hospital staff administered the whiskey directly into Mr Duthie’s stomach, and in five days he awoke, his vision completely restored.

One can only assume that this was the first ever case of someone being blind drunk and having alcohol pumped into his stomach.

Another guy who sounds like he might need some medical attention is the US federal worker who was officially reprimanded for excessive farting in the workplace.

The unnamed worker received a five page letter outlining the times and dates of his farting, as well as the effects his flatulence was having on his work colleagues.  As a result of the employee “[disrupting] the work floor by passing gas and releasing an unpleasant odor”, the official reprimand charged the employee for “conduct unbecoming a federal employee”.  It my books, that behaviour constitutes conduct unbecoming anyone.

You know you've got a problem when you receive a letter like this.

You know you’ve got a problem when you receive a letter like this.

The official reprimand came after conversations about the problem with several of his managers, including in performance discussions.  Despite these warnings the behaviour continued, and the letter ‘let rip’, outlining sixty specific incidents that were described variously as “uncontrollable flatulence” that had created an “intolerable” and “hostile” work environment, “releasing [of] the awful and unpleasant odor”, and “continuous releasing of your bodily gas and the terrible smell that comes with the gas.”

Who says that public servants can’t get in trouble for farting around?