In Case I Rob You, Please Contact Me on the Following Details

8 Jul

Rule number one in committing a burglary is don’t get caught.  That’s why thieves go to a lot of trouble to hide their faces, not leave fingerprints, and not email their contact details to the police.  These guys, however, leave behind more clues than the Riddler.  That’s why they’re Dumb Crims, and that’s why I love them.  (Just like I love the guys in this post: Arrest Me, I’m a Criminal!)

Last week a twenty-six year old man from Connecticut, US, forgot about this golden rule.  Zachary Tentoni snuck up behind an unsuspected old lady and snatched her clutch bag, fleeing the scene.  In his haste, Tentoni dropped the two bags he was already carrying.  Not sure why he decided that carrying two bags whilst committing a mugging was a good idea, but it proved even worse than it might otherwise.  In the bags were hygiene products, clothes, and sneakers.

As well as his birth certificate and a note from his mother.

The birth certificate helped the police effortlessly track the Dumb Crim down and press charges against him, answering the age old question as to whether or not it’s a good idea to carry unique personal identity documents with you during a crime.  A more pertinent question might be this: what on Earth does a twenty-six year old need a note from his mother for?  The only feasible conclusion is that Tentoni was repeating the 12th grade for the 8th time and needed a note from his mother to miss class.  Sadly, the contents of that note have not been disclosed.  I hope it read, “Please excuse my son for being an idiot.”

"Leaving your birth certificate at the crime scene?  You sir, are a Dumb Crim."

“Leaving your birth certificate at the crime scene? You sir, are a Dumb Crim.”

Not every Dumb Crim needs to carry their birth certificate with them in order to give their identity away.  Take the New Zealand man who stole money from a local music shop.  CCTV footage showed the man waiting for the store employees to be distracted by customers, before opening the cash register and stealing a wad of notes.  He fled the store before anyone could give chase and it looked as though he would get away with his crime.  Small problem: minutes before committing his theft, the man had asked the store to reserve a copy of Pink Floyd’s The Wall album, and left behind his name and number so that he could be contacted.  Again, the police had no trouble tracking him down.  The only way that effort could have been more embarrassing for the Dumb Crim is if he had have reserved a copy of a Nickelback album.

Then there’s the Scottish teen was spotted by staff fleeing a sports store in Aberdeen wearing a couple of expensive, and unpaid for, tracksuits.  The teen was possibly related to the Kiwi music shop thief, because he too had only just left his name and address with the store.

On a job application.

Apparently the teen had gone to the shop in the hope of securing an interview for a staff vacancy, but after filling out his job application, thought he’d kill two birds (and one career opportunity) with one stone.  He went into a change room with the tracksuits, put them on, and then fled the sports store, presumably looking athletic but a little bulky.  Whilst it is possible that the Dumb Crim thought he’d have a better chance of the store employing him if he interviewed wearing their merchandise, a staff member was quoted as saying, “It looks highly unlikely that he will get a job.”  Quite the understatement.

I'm not sure what tracksuit the Dumb Crim stole, but I hope it looked like this one.

I’m not sure what tracksuit the Dumb Crim stole, but I hope it looked like this one.

It’s amazing that someone could be so stupid that they would go to a store to fill in a job application and then steal from it.  Perhaps the only thing more stupid would be to go into a store to steal from it and then fill in a job application.  Like this Dumb Crim.

Demetrius Robinson, a twenty-eight year old from Georgia, US, entered a convenience store with the intention of committing a robbery.  The store was busy (which was not convenient) so to pass the time until the clerk was left alone, Robinson filled out a job application.  Soon after, he threatened the clerk with a steak knife – the weapon of choice of all serious thieves – and fled with the contents of the cash register.

Like the other Dumb Crims in this post, it took police no time at all to catch Robinson, thanks to his job application.  Bizarrely, Robinson didn’t reveal his real address on the application, but did use his real name and his uncle’s phone number.  Giving only some fake information isn’t protecting you from the police, and giving only some real information isn’t increasing your chances of getting the job.  Make a decision Demetrius!  And next time make sure that decision isn’t to pass time before a robbery by giving your contact details to the place you’re about to rob!

It turned out that Robinson was already wanted for a string of armed burglaries.  It is not clear whether he mentioned his career as a thief on his job application.

If you enjoyed that HeSaidWhatNow? post, you might also enjoy these:

Arrest me, I’m a Criminal!

Pimp My Getaway Vehicle

Worst. Disguise. Ever!

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