Archive | June, 2013

Dirty Sounding Athlete Names – Basketball Edition

13 Jun

Dirtiest Sounding Athlete Names – Basketball Edition

Being the mature, sophisticated individual that I am, I thought I would do a list of the ten dirtiest sounding names in sport.  The thing is, when doing some research on the topic, I found that there were way more than ten names that needed recognition.  Therefore I have decided to do a series of warm up lists to whet everyone’s appetite before getting to the gold standard of naughty names.  And so enjoy this list, the ten dirtiest sounding athlete names in basketball.  Warning: bad double entendres ahead.

10. Dick Harter

Whether or not his first name is a noun or a verb, Dick Harter always elicits a giggle.  Or a moan of ecstasy.

9. Hot Rod Williams

You could be forgiven for thinking that Hot Rod was a porn star and not a baller.  Either way he’s been described as a ‘skilled big man with a soft touch and good hands’.

I’ve come to clean ze pool…

8. Ken Bone

This coach was known for drilling his team hard and making them work up a sweat.

7. Mo Cheeks

Another player who sounds like he should have been a porn star, Mo Cheeks was an expert at handling balls.

6. Phyllis Mangina

With a name like this, I’m not sure how Phyllis Mangina was allowed to play in the women’s league.

5. Pee-Wee Gash

This guy’s name is just horrible.

4. Gregor Fucka

This Italian star became a cult hero of the 2000 Sydney Olympics.  Not necessarily because of his play, but rather because Australians loved yelling out ‘Fucka!  Fucka!  Go you Fucka!’

3. Ivana Mandic

I’m sure her name is pronounced ‘man-dich’, but still, what a hell of an efficient way of letting people know what you want.

Ivana Mandic. I bet you do.

2. Magic Johnson

He probably should let the ladies decide for themselves.  Although in fairness, Magic was great at penetrating defences and finishing at the hole.

1. Chubby Cox

Presumably only during the post-game shower.

Terminator 2: Lock Up Your Vehicle

12 Jun

I was watching one of my favourite movies the other day, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, and noticed something: a lot of vehicles get stolen. 

And usually, destroyed soon after.

I also noticed that most of the stolen vehicles fall into two categories.  The first is the very large and very strong variety.  A good choice in the event that you intend to smash through walls, drive over pesky cars obstructing your way, or deflect other vehicles crashing into you as though they were flies at a summer barbecue – all things that tend to happen when involved in a cross-timelines cyborg related adventure.

The second type of vehicle generally hijacked is that belonging to the police force.  This is a discerning option for those who like the ability to access police information or enter secure areas without suspicion.

Luckily for the characters, when a vehicle is required, the closest one available tends to fall into the above categories.  What are the chances!

And so now Hesaidwhatnow? presents a run down of the vehicles stolen in T2.

Warning: this post contains multiple spoiler alerts.  If you haven’t seen the movie, slap yourself, and then hop in a Skynet time displacement machine and go back to any occasion in the last 21 years in which you watched a bad action sci-fi movie and watch T2 instead.

Vehicle 1: Harley Davidson motorcycle.  Stolen by the T-800.

A great reintroduction to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s terminator, the T-800 lands in 1991 right next to a bikie bar.  After beating up a few tough guys to prove he’s still the baddest of them all, the T-800 steals a bikie’s clothes and Harley.

Arnie in a leather jacket sitting on a Harley?  Good look.  Luckily he landed near the bikie bar.  Had he have landed near a coffee shop he might have ended up having to steal bike pants and an unnecessarily high-end bicycle.  Or even worse…

I need your clothes, your boots, and your girly bicycle with the pink ribbons and the basket on the front.

Vehicle 2: Police car.  Stolen by the T-1000

With similar luck to his terminator cousin, the T-1000 happens to land in a quiet area by which a police patrol car happens to be cruising.  A quick slash of his weaponised hand later and he’s looking like a cop and accessing the police database to find information on John Connor.  In pre-smartphone times, that’s a handy bit of luck.

Vehicle 3: Semi-trailer.  Stolen by the T-1000

After John Connor threatens to get away from him on a mini-bike, the T-1000 needs to commandeer a vehicle to pursue him immediately.  What happens to drive by?  A giant semi-trailer.  Again, T-1000’s luck holds as he uses the truck to smash through concrete barriers and fly into a storm drain from an overhead road.  His luck momentarily runs out when it blows up, but I’ve got a feeling he’ll land on his feet…

Vehicle 4: Police car.  Stolen by the T-1000.

Again?!  The LAPD might have a few extra insurance claims this week.

Vehicle 5: Police car.  Stolen by the T-800, Sarah Connor, and John Connor.

Presumably sick of the T-1000 having all the fun, the good guys take a turn at swiping a cop car when they help Sarah Connor escape from the mental hospital and, more importantly, the T-1000.  The poor policeman who loses the vehicle also cops a face full of concrete pole, but he can still count himself lucky: it would have been a lot worse had the T-1000 taken his car.

Vehicle 6: Police bike.  Stolen by the T-1000.

Mixing it up a little, the T-1000 takes a particular fancy to one policeman’s motorbike and decides to take it for a spin.  Another lucky choice as we’ll find out shortly.

Vehicle 7: Station wagon.  Stolen by the T-800, Sarah Connor, and John Connor.

With no T-1000 on their tail, the good guys steal a beaten up station wagon to drive south of the border.  The second lamest vehicle on this list, although had they stolen another police car the audience might have started thinking that California is populated entirely by policeman.

Vehicle 8: S.W.A.T truck.  Stolen by the T-800.

That’s more like it!  With all the cache of a police car, but with the wall smashing power of a semi-trailer, the T-800 sagely swipes a SWAT truck to crash through the lobby of Cyberdyne Systems and rescue his human companions.  Added bonus: the truck contains useful goodies like machine guns, bullet-proof vests and, presumably, donuts.

Now, which police car can I steal next...?

Now, which police car can I steal next…?

Vehicle 9: Police helicopter.  Stolen by the T-1000.

Watching his enemies driving off in their SWAT truck, the T-1000 gets angry.  Not because his enemies are getting away, but because he has vehicle envy.  His solution?  To drive his police bike through the third floor window of the Cyberdyne building directly into the police helicopter hovering outside.  That’s called upping the ante.

Vehicle 10: Tanker.  Stolen by the T-1000.

The T-1000’s enjoyment of the helicopter is short lived, as the T-800 pulls off the classic ‘slam your brakes so the pursuing bad guy crashes into the back of your car’ move, destroying the chopper.  Another excellent benefit of a SWAT truck!  Forced to take the next vehicle to come by, the T-1000’s eyes light up (metaphorically – he is an emotionless cyborg after all) when he sees that it’s a tanker, a vehicle with high smashing capability.  If only he realised it was full of liquid nitrogen…

Vehicle 11: A beat up ute.  Stolen by the T-800, Sarah Connor, and John Connor.

Unfortunately for the good guys, when they take out the T-1000’s chopper, the SWAT truck’s wheel gets popped and they need to commandeer another vehicle themselves.  Having seen a tanker roll into the T-1000’s path, what are they presented with?  The lamest vehicle in the movie, a beat up ute with a maximum speed that is far short of what any of the passengers would hope for.  In other words, a vehicle good for nothing other than to increase the dramatic tension of the film’s climactic chase.  In other words, perfect.

So at the end of the film there have been eleven vehicles stolen, six of which were police vehicles: four cars, four trucks, two bikes, and a helicopter.  The lesson?  If you work as a police officer in the California area, make sure you have maximum insurance coverage.

How Your Favourite Film Could Have Looked – Near Casting Choices in Blockbuster Movies

11 Jun

There are certain movies that are almost indistinguishable from their cast, just as there are certain movie characters that are synonymous with the actors who play them.  Harrison Ford is Indiana Jones right?  No one else could have brought the same lovable cockiness to the role.  Sir Ian McKellen was born to play Gandalf in Lord of the Rings.  Only Johnny Depp could have pulled off the craziness that is Captain Jack Sparrow.  In each case the roles could never have been given to anyone else.

Except that they almost were.

Indiana Jones almost had a moustache, Gandalf almost had a Scottish accent, and Captain Jack Sparrow almost wasn’t a crazy make up loving Rolling Stone.

Having a look at the actors who almost played iconic film roles is a bit of an obsession for me, so in the first of what will no doubt be many posts on the topic, Hesaidwhatnow? presents a look at the actors who were almost cast in some of the biggest films of all time.

The Lord of the Rings

This ginormous trilogy broke all kinds of records and bagged a swag of Oscars, but it almost looked very different.  Initially Peter Jackson cast the role of Hobbit protector and elf fetishist Aragorn to Stuart Townsend.  In fact, it was only after four days of shooting when Jackson realised that Townsend was too young for the part and replaced him with Viggo Mortenson.  Getting shafted from a trilogy that raked in roughly a gazillion dollars at the box office has got to hurt.

Sean Connery, on the other hand, has no one to blame but himself.  He was offered the role of Gandalf the Grey only to turn it down because he couldn’t understand the script (he reportedly kept referring to ‘Bobbits’) and didn’t want to spend 18 months filming in New Zealand.  That’s a shame.  The reported $400 million that fellow Brit Sir Ian McKellen received for the role could have bought him another Scottish castle or two.

You ssharl not parss!

James Bond

One role that Connery did land was that of British superspy James Bond.  My apologies: I meant British superspy Bond, James Bond.  Connery played 007 in the first of many films in the franchise, Dr No, back in 1962.  He wasn’t the first choice though; that was Cary Grant.  However after realising that Grant, who was almost 60 at the time, was possibly a bit old to be kicking ass and getting ass, the producers turned to bodybuilder Connery to play the iconic role.  Of the six actors to have played Bond, most agree that Connery is still the best.

One of those six actors to have played Bond could almost have been Clint Eastwood.  He was offered the role when Connery decided to leave the franchise, but he turned it down, astutely realising that Connery had made Bond his own.  Instead George Lazenby took over for On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.  Still, I think it would have been enjoyable watching Eastwood squinting down the barrel of a gun at a bested terrorist, asking him if he felt lucky.  Not sure if a Bond villain has ever been called a ‘punk’ before.

Pirates of the Caribbean

One man who must have felt lucky about how casting ended up was Johnny Depp.  His unique Keith Richards inspired Captain Jack Sparrow – and the outrageous amounts of cash he got paid for playing him – almost didn’t happen.  The idea for a movie based on the famous Disney ride was first bandied about in the early 90s.  At that time, Steven Spielberg was keen to direct.  His first choices to play Captain Jack Sparrow were somewhat different to the end result.  He wanted either Bill Murray, Steven Martin, or Robin Williams.  Had Pirates been casted along those lines it still would have been an immensely fun – albeit a very different – movie, but would it have spawned three sequels and become one of the most successful franchises of all time?  More importantly, would the Halloween costume industry have ever been the same?

The Matrix

Another huge franchise is The Matrix and its sequels.  A sci-fi smash that seemingly came out of nowhere and has since become one of the most influential films of its genre, The Matrix could have looked very different.

Ultra cool Morpheus was played by ultra cool Lawrence Fishbourne, but the part very nearly went to Val Kilmer.  Whilst I think Kilmer could have pulled it off almost as well as Fishbourne, I can’t imagine anyone else playing Neo besides Keanu Reeves.  It nearly happened though.

Early candidates included Ewan McGregor (who turned it down to play Obi-Wan Kenobi) and Nicolas Cage (thank god that didn’t happen) but the role was also turned down by two of the biggest movie stars of the time.  Tom Cruise turned it down because he didn’t think it would be a success.  Will Smith almost took it, but wisely decided that he wasn’t very suited to the role, instead opting to film Wild, Wild, West.  That movie was ever so slightly less successful than The Matrix, but it’s not like Smith missed out on blockbuster sci-fi franchises entirely…

Men In Black

The Men In Black films are very much more up Will Smith’s alley, and it’s hard to picture anyone else as super cool, super cocky alien busting Agent J, but he almost didn’t get the part.  The role was initially slated for an actor with almost the exact opposite skill set as Smith: Friends star David Schwimmer.  Would MIB have been such a success and spawned two sequels over two decades if Schwimmer had been involved?  I doubt it.  Thankfully, whoever came up with that casting idea got told to look into a neuraliser.

Interestingly Tommy Lee Jones’ role of Agent K was almost given to Clint Eastwood.  Had Eastwood been cast alongside Schwimmer, we might have seen two hours of Schwimmer whining about his feelings for Rachel before being  smacked on the back of the head and being told to stop being a wuss by Eastwood.  Come to think of it, I probably would’ve paid to watch that film.

Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark

Surely no one could have worn the fedora of Indiana Jones other than Harrison Ford, right?  Well, were it not for a twist of fate, someone else very much could have.  After unsuccessfully offering the role to a diverse group of actors including Nick Nolte, Steve Martin, Chevy Chase, and Jack Nicholson, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg were at odds on who should have been the world’s greatest archaeologist.  Spielberg wanted Ford, but having already worked with him several times before, Lucas was adamant that the role go to his first choice, little known actor Tom Selleck.  Lucas got his way, and Selleck was cast in the role.

This is when fate stepped in.  Selleck had earlier shot a pilot for a TV show.  Between getting the role as Jones and the filming of the movie, the TV network picked up the option on his show.  Contractually, Selleck was bound to work on the show – Magnum P.I. – and had to regretfully turn down the role as Indy, leaving Ford to pick up the hat and whip.

If he was angry at fate already, Selleck was soon even angrier.  As it turned out there was a strike in Hollywood that delayed the filming of Magnum P.I., but because Indiana Jones was filmed overseas, there wasn’t any delay for its production, meaning he could have filmed both.  Ouch.

Also worth noting, the role of boisterous Egyptian excavator, Sallah, was originally conceived for Danny DeVito.  That would have been a slightly different challenge for the wardrobe department.

This almost happened

Star Wars: A New Hope

Indiana Jones wasn’t the only iconic role that Ford almost missed out on.  The biggest blockbuster of them all, Star Wars: A New Hope, was almost comprised of a different cast, including for the role of Han Solo.

The range of actors considered for Han Solo were even broader than those considered for Indiana Jones.   They included the same four who were considered for Jones – Nick Nolte, Steve Martin, Chevy Chase, and Jack Nicholson – as well as Al Pacino, Christopher Walken and Roger Daltry.  Perhaps the actor I could best see in the role if it wasn’t Ford is Kurt Russell.  The worst?  That would be a tie between Gene Simmons and Sylvestor Stallone (although rumour has it that Stallone’s drawling voice was the inspiration behind Chewbacca’s dialect).

Lucas didn’t like any of the other choices, and eventually after watching Ford read the part with the actresses auditioning for Princess Leia, he realised he had the perfect man for the job all along.

Among those Ford read with were Carrie Fisher and Sissy Spacek.  Lucas gave the role to Spacek, whilst Fisher won the title role in the Steven King novel adaptation, Carrie.  But Fisher didn’t want to do any nude scenes, so they swapped parts.  Apparently she had no problems with gold slave bikinis though.

So a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher almost weren’t in Star Wars. Now that would have sent a disturbance through the Force.

Arrest Me, I’m a Criminal!

10 Jun

It can be tough sometimes being a police officer; you not only have to catch the criminals, you have to make sure that there’s sufficient evidence to make an arrest.  Luckily there are also times when idiots like these Dumb Crims do the cops’ job for them, leaving so many clues behind that they may as well walk into a police station and ask to be arrested.

A few weeks ago, Brittney Sykes and Emma Westhusing robbed a credit union in Oregon, USA, and fled with $1370.  When they returned to their home, they discovered that they also had fled with a global tracking device that the bank had hidden amongst the stolen loot.

However Sykes and Westhusing didn’t know what the device was.  Initially they thought it might have been a dye pack, and spent the next few minutes testing their theory by throwing it against the wall and stomping on it.  When it didn’t explode, the pair was stumped so, as she told investigators, Sykes “went to a computer and searched the Internet to figure out what the device might be.”  Whilst they Googled the device, the police were closing in on their location.

Eventually the women panicked and wisely decided to get rid of the device.  Unwisely, they hid it in Sykes’ car.  When the police arrived shortly thereafter, they found the device and the loot, and two stupid crooks.

Whilst it is clearly pretty stupid hiding a tracking device in your car after you commit a crime, it is less stupid than bringing your own tracking device to a crime.  That is exactly what Los Angeles resident Wilbert Matheney did.  A registered sex offender, Matheney was ordered by the court to wear a global tracking device strapped to his ankle.  He then allegedly broke into a home and stole a laptop.

The victims, who were at home when the burglary took place, described the thief as having salt-and-pepper hair.  Neighbourhood residents told police that a man of that description often walked a small white dog in the local area.  When police discovered that a group home for sex offenders was also in the area, they looked at the group’s GPS records and discovered that Matheney was at the victims’ home at the time of the robbery.  When they knocked on his door, not only did Matheney indeed have a salt-and-pepper hairdo, but a little white dog ran out the door.  Maybe it was trying to escape his stupidity.  No word on whether the little guy had a GPS anklet of his own.

This idea didn't even occur to Matheney, which is how you become a Dumb Crim.

This idea didn’t even occur to Matheney.  Which is exactly how you become a Dumb Crim.

Not to be outdone was Stuart Gibbs, of Leicester, England.  A concerned neighbour called police after spotting two strangers in the garden next door.  When they arrived, the police found the men hiding in a shed, but no property had been stolen.  Luckily for the police, they found an outgoing text message on Gibbs’ phone, sent two hours earlier, that read: “I’ve told you 20 times – don’t ring me when I’m out robbing.”  Gibbs subsequently confessed to the attempted burglary.  At court he also pleaded guilty to dangerous driving, driving when disqualified, handling stolen goods and possessing cannabis – possibly by sending a text message to the judge.  He earned himself 18 months in jail.

But the winner (or loser, depending on how you look at it) of the Dumb Crim who ineptly assisted in his own arrest was Christopher Lance Moore of Texas, USA.  Moore broke into a home with the intent of doing some thieving, when he was confronted by the home owner.  Who pointed a pistol at his head.

Moore then fled from the house and into his car, but not before the home owner blocked him in with his own truck.  Effectively locked in his car, Moore did the unthinkable – he called the police for help, saying that “some guy has a gun on me”.  The police arrived and promptly arrested Moore.  It’s assumed that whilst waiting for the police, Moore phoned the IRS to report that he had lied on his taxes, and called his wife to tell her that he’d been cheating on her.

Worst Film Lines of All Time

9 Jun

One sign of a great film is when its dialogue is quotable and memorable for decades past its release, and its best lines become iconic.  Mention the words, “May the Force be with you”, “Here’s Johnny!” or “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn”, and people’s faces light up with recognition.

Similarly, one mark of a bad movie is its terrible dialogue.

These stinkers are the result of laziness, tackiness, hopelessness, and in some cases, just a plain lack of talent.  Unfortunately, once you hear them, you can’t unhear them.  Here are the top ten worst pieces of movie dialogue of all time.

10. Battlefield Earth

Widely regarded as one of the worst films ever created, Battlefield Earth had a lot of problems, not least of which was its dialogue.  In one scene, megalomaniacal alien Terl and his lover Chirk (played by off screen couple John Travolta and Kelly Preston) are flirting when Chirk gives this little gem:

“I am going to make you as happy as a baby Psychlo on a straight diet of kerbango.”

Um…what?  That’s the most perplexing bedroom talk I’ve ever heard.

9. Plan 9 from Outer Space

Plan 9 is a classic piece of horrible Ed Wood cinema that involves aliens, zombies, and silent footage of deceased actor Bela Lugosi clumsily edited in.  It also has some brilliant dialogue, including this from Lieutenant John Harper:

“One thing’s sure: Inspector Clay is dead.  Murdered.  And someone’s responsible.”

Excellent detective work.

8. Batman & Robin

A movie so bad that it resulted in the pin being pulled on one of the most lucrative film franchises ever, Batman & Robin is just an appalling movie from top to bottom.  Exhibit A: the Batnipples.  It was also full of great dialogue (Arnold Swartzenneger’s bad puns as Mr Freeze come to mind – “Ice to see you!”).  The following exchange is priceless.  Poison Ivy has been making men do her bidding thanks to a mind-controlling toxin she administers through her lips (it could happen!).  However Robin ‘cleverly’ finds a way to avoid falling victim to her dangerous kisses:

“I hate to disappoint you, but rubber lips are immune to your charms!”

A ridiculous line for a ridiculous plot device in a ridiculous movie.

Apparently it’s cold in Gotham City

7. House of the Dead

It’s safe to say that horror movies don’t usually win awards for their dialogue.  Here are a couple of examples of some particularly ordinary efforts.  The first comes from 2003 film House of the Dead:

“You created it all to be immortal… Why?”

“To live forever!”

That’s a perfectly sufficient explanation.

6. Troll 2

I’m not sure how or why Troll managed to spawn a sequel, but it did.  And thank God too, because it was full of beautiful, thought provoking quotes such as this:

“They’re eating her.  And then they’re going to eat me!  OH MY GOOOOOOOOD!”

Yes, yes they are.  That’s why it’s a horror movie.  That and the dialogue…

5. Face/Off

A movie about a cop having a face transplant with a criminal in order to infiltrate his life would suggest to an audience that they will not be witnessing cinematic genius.  For further evidence, here’s a line from the film, the second in this countdown from John Travolta:

“It’s like looking in a mirror.  Only not.”

It’s like listening to Shakespeare.  Only not.

4. Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Again, this film is so full of bad dialogue delivered either woodenly or with embarrassment, depending on the actor, that choosing only one line to make this list is difficult.  It’s hard to look past this line from Anakin Skywalker though:

“I don’t like sand.  It’s coarse and rough and irritating and gets everywhere.”

Kind of like Attack of the Clones then.

3. The Postman

What could be more exciting than spending three hours watching a movie about a postman?  Watching a movie about a postman staring Kevin Costner of course!

Blind woman.  “You’re a godsend.  A saviour.”

Costner.  “No, I’m just the postman.”

Which is why we didn’t need a movie about you.

2. Gigli

What happens when you put real life couple Bennifer (Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez) together on screen?  The same that happens when you put them together in real life: disaster.  Like this bit of pillow talk from Lopez to her better half:

“It’s turkey time.”

“Huh?”

(Looks down.) “Gobble gobble.”

No wonder they broke up.

1. Showdown in Little Tokyo

This 1991 B-grade action romp starring Brandon Lee and Dolph Lundgren is full of what you’d expect from such a movie: lots of gunfire and explosions, not much plot, and a few obligatory naked breasts that appear for no apparent reason.  However Little Tokyo also contains something you don’t normally see in such a film: the single most bizarre, out-of-left-field, homoerotic quote of all time.  Just before a huge gunfight is about to take place, Murata (Lee) says to Kenner (Lundgren):

“Kenner, just in case we get killed, I wanted to tell you.  You have the biggest d*ck I have ever seen on a man.”

Pep talks: you’re doing it wrong.

Don’t Treat Your Junk Like Junk

8 Jun

This is a public service announcement: don’t do what these guys have done.  The fact that some people need to be warned against this is a sad, sad indictment of humankind.

First of all I refer to an article I read about Le Xing.  Le Xing is a Hong Kong man who was forced to call police when a certain part of his body* got stuck in the park bench he was trying to have sex with.  If you need to read that sentence again to verify that you read it correctly I don’t blame you.  I also don’t blame you if you’re too busy wincing in pain to do so.

I imagine that if a question on Family Feud was “Things that feel good to put your junk in”, the answer “a park bench” would not win you any points.  At best you’re dealing with rigid metal or plastic.  At worst, you’re pulling out splinters.  Either way, getting caught in amorous entanglement with a bench is not something you should ever be at risk of.  It is far more embarrassing than even this:

“We’ll just tell your mother that we ate it all…”

In his defence Le Xing met the bench in an online chat forum where it described itself as “single, stable and a lover of the outdoors” but still, one should exercise some judgment before walking down that path, otherwise you’ll find yourself being taken to hospital with eight feet of park bench still attached to you, and let’s face it, that cannot be comfortable.

The crazy thing about Le Xing is that he isn’t a one-off case.  A Malaysian man also had to have emergency surgery to remove a metal nut from around a certain part of his body**.  Unlike his Hong Kong counterpart, this man (who, in an uncharacteristic display of wisdom, kept his name out of the press) wasn’t trying to screw the nut, so to speak, rather he was trying to ‘lengthen himself’ in anticipation of his wedding night.  In the end, however, he had to have blood drained from his member and a layer of skin cut off, so I think it’s safe to say he not only ‘shortened himself’, he probably shortened the length of his wedding night too.

The moral of the story?  Don’t treat your junk like junk.

*his penis

**also his penis

Worst. Disguise. Ever!

7 Jun

When robbing a bank, it’s always a good idea to wear a disguise to hide your identity.  A mask, a balaclava, a stocking over the face – these old favourites are old favourites because they work.  The following decided to get creative with their disguises, unfortunately to their own disadvantage…

James Coldwell had a spur of the moment idea to rob a bank in New Hampshire, USA.  Sadly, his disguise reflected this lack of preparation.  Customers were confused as they saw a man walk into the bank dressed like a tree.  Yes, Coldwell decided that having twigs and leaves duct taped onto his body was a perfectly sensible disguise.  Surprisingly only to Coldwell himself, his ‘disguise’ actually drew more attention to him, giving the bank even more time to prepare themselves for the attempted robbery.  When the dye pack in the bag of cash he was given detonated, Coldwell fled the, ahem, branch empty handed, leaving a forest trail behind him.  When his picture was shown on television, a tip led the police to Coldwell’s apartment where a search of his car revealed some leaves and a roll of duct tape.  The police were unable to locate his brain.

Where is the Dumb Crim?  This is harder than Where's Wally...

Where is the Dumb Crim? This is harder than Where’s Wally…

Equally as pathetic a disguise was the one used by 51-year-old Sharon Lain of Oklahoma, USA.  Lain robbed a McDonald’s restaurant as she was unemployed and desperate for money, as evidenced by her makeshift mask – a pair of underwear.  Although the white stretch girdle known as ‘spanx’ wrapped around her face hid her identity, it was all for nothing.  Surveillance video of the robbery was shown on television, leading to several tips that resulted in Lain’s arrest.  Disturbingly, this means that several people watched the video footage and recognised Lain’s underwear.  Police searched her apartment and found the offending pair of spanx, presumably not on her head.

Probably worse than the above was this effort by Iowa men Matthew McNelly and Joey Miller.  The pair attempted to break into an apartment, but not before disguising themselves by drawing on their faces with marker pens.  It’s unclear whether or not the duo were sniffing the markers beforehand, but their efforts – which were unfinished – not only didn’t even come close to disguising themselves, but actually made them easier to identify.  In other words, the pens marked their identity.

Also the lamest Halloween costume ever

Also the lamest Halloween costume ever

Fingers crossed there’ll be a sequel to The Usual Suspects where another team of crooks team up after meeting in a police line up – wearing twigs, underwear, and marker pen disguises.  I’d watch that.