One sign of a great film is when its dialogue is quotable and memorable for decades past its release, and its best lines become iconic. Mention the words, “May the Force be with you”, “Here’s Johnny!” or “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn”, and people’s faces light up with recognition.
Similarly, one mark of a bad movie is its terrible dialogue.
These stinkers are the result of laziness, tackiness, hopelessness, and in some cases, just a plain lack of talent. Unfortunately, once you hear them, you can’t unhear them. Here are the top ten worst pieces of movie dialogue of all time.
10. Battlefield Earth
Widely regarded as one of the worst films ever created, Battlefield Earth had a lot of problems, not least of which was its dialogue. In one scene, megalomaniacal alien Terl and his lover Chirk (played by off screen couple John Travolta and Kelly Preston) are flirting when Chirk gives this little gem:
“I am going to make you as happy as a baby Psychlo on a straight diet of kerbango.”
Um…what? That’s the most perplexing bedroom talk I’ve ever heard.
9. Plan 9 from Outer Space
Plan 9 is a classic piece of horrible Ed Wood cinema that involves aliens, zombies, and silent footage of deceased actor Bela Lugosi clumsily edited in. It also has some brilliant dialogue, including this from Lieutenant John Harper:
“One thing’s sure: Inspector Clay is dead. Murdered. And someone’s responsible.”
Excellent detective work.
8. Batman & Robin
A movie so bad that it resulted in the pin being pulled on one of the most lucrative film franchises ever, Batman & Robin is just an appalling movie from top to bottom. Exhibit A: the Batnipples. It was also full of great dialogue (Arnold Swartzenneger’s bad puns as Mr Freeze come to mind – “Ice to see you!”). The following exchange is priceless. Poison Ivy has been making men do her bidding thanks to a mind-controlling toxin she administers through her lips (it could happen!). However Robin ‘cleverly’ finds a way to avoid falling victim to her dangerous kisses:
“I hate to disappoint you, but rubber lips are immune to your charms!”
A ridiculous line for a ridiculous plot device in a ridiculous movie.
Apparently it’s cold in Gotham City
7. House of the Dead
It’s safe to say that horror movies don’t usually win awards for their dialogue. Here are a couple of examples of some particularly ordinary efforts. The first comes from 2003 film House of the Dead:
“You created it all to be immortal… Why?”
“To live forever!”
That’s a perfectly sufficient explanation.
6. Troll 2
I’m not sure how or why Troll managed to spawn a sequel, but it did. And thank God too, because it was full of beautiful, thought provoking quotes such as this:
“They’re eating her. And then they’re going to eat me! OH MY GOOOOOOOOD!”
Yes, yes they are. That’s why it’s a horror movie. That and the dialogue…
5. Face/Off
A movie about a cop having a face transplant with a criminal in order to infiltrate his life would suggest to an audience that they will not be witnessing cinematic genius. For further evidence, here’s a line from the film, the second in this countdown from John Travolta:
“It’s like looking in a mirror. Only not.”
It’s like listening to Shakespeare. Only not.
4. Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
Again, this film is so full of bad dialogue delivered either woodenly or with embarrassment, depending on the actor, that choosing only one line to make this list is difficult. It’s hard to look past this line from Anakin Skywalker though:
“I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating and gets everywhere.”
Kind of like Attack of the Clones then.
3. The Postman
What could be more exciting than spending three hours watching a movie about a postman? Watching a movie about a postman staring Kevin Costner of course!
Blind woman. “You’re a godsend. A saviour.”
Costner. “No, I’m just the postman.”
Which is why we didn’t need a movie about you.
2. Gigli
What happens when you put real life couple Bennifer (Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez) together on screen? The same that happens when you put them together in real life: disaster. Like this bit of pillow talk from Lopez to her better half:
“It’s turkey time.”
“Huh?”
(Looks down.) “Gobble gobble.”
No wonder they broke up.
1. Showdown in Little Tokyo
This 1991 B-grade action romp starring Brandon Lee and Dolph Lundgren is full of what you’d expect from such a movie: lots of gunfire and explosions, not much plot, and a few obligatory naked breasts that appear for no apparent reason. However Little Tokyo also contains something you don’t normally see in such a film: the single most bizarre, out-of-left-field, homoerotic quote of all time. Just before a huge gunfight is about to take place, Murata (Lee) says to Kenner (Lundgren):
“Kenner, just in case we get killed, I wanted to tell you. You have the biggest d*ck I have ever seen on a man.”
Pep talks: you’re doing it wrong.
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