The Mayans Didn’t Predict This

30 Dec

The Mayan calendar ended this month, which some took as a prediction of the end of the world.  I think it’s more likely that the guy who invented the Mayan calendar simply thought that making it last until 2012 was a good enough job which, I think we all can agree, is probably fair.  It’s certainly better than how long my iPhone battery lasts.

In any event, the world hasn’t imploded or appeared to have changed at all.  Which is great to know, because it means that the world’s population continues to do stupid things and get into strange situations, which provides us with wonderfully weird news.

Take this guy for example.  Tomasz Paczkowski, of Elbag, Poland, thought he would impress his girlfriend by doing some ironing.  He was having a few drinks and watching some boxing as he went about his chores, when the phone rang.  Sadly, Mr Paczkowski is not great at multitasking.  Distracted – possibly with wondering how his name contains both an ‘sz’ and a ‘czk’ – he answered the phone and put it to his ear.  At least that’s what he thought he was doing.  What he actually did was put the red-hot scalding iron to his face.

As Mr Paczkowski explained, “Trouble was, [I got] so involved in the boxing that I wasn’t really thinking about what I was doing.  So when the phone rang I picked up the iron by mistake and pressed it to my ear.”

Either this guy is the world’s worst multitasker, or he’s the most committed disciple of the theory that if you do a job poorly, your girlfriend won’t ever ask you to do it again.

The less stupid Iron Man

The less stupid Iron Man

Over in New Zealand, a hospital reacted to a strange situation by administering some even stranger medication.

Sixty-five year old Denis Duthie was rushed to Taranaki Base Hospital after suddenly going blind in both eyes.  The staff quickly realised that the vodka he had been drinking had reacted with his diabetes medication, causing formaldehyde poisoning.  The only way to treat formaldehyde poisoning caused by the vodka?  By administering ethanol – the type of alcohol found in alcoholic beverages.

To alcohol: the cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!

To alcohol: the cause of – and solution to – all of life’s problems!

However a problem quickly emerged: there was no medical alcohol in the hospital, so the registrar had to run to the local bottle shop and pick up a bottle of whiskey.  Interestingly it took her exactly as long as it would take to run to her desk, open her drawer, and return.

The hospital staff administered the whiskey directly into Mr Duthie’s stomach, and in five days he awoke, his vision completely restored.

One can only assume that this was the first ever case of someone being blind drunk and having alcohol pumped into his stomach.

Another guy who sounds like he might need some medical attention is the US federal worker who was officially reprimanded for excessive farting in the workplace.

The unnamed worker received a five page letter outlining the times and dates of his farting, as well as the effects his flatulence was having on his work colleagues.  As a result of the employee “[disrupting] the work floor by passing gas and releasing an unpleasant odor”, the official reprimand charged the employee for “conduct unbecoming a federal employee”.  It my books, that behaviour constitutes conduct unbecoming anyone.

You know you've got a problem when you receive a letter like this.

You know you’ve got a problem when you receive a letter like this.

The official reprimand came after conversations about the problem with several of his managers, including in performance discussions.  Despite these warnings the behaviour continued, and the letter ‘let rip’, outlining sixty specific incidents that were described variously as “uncontrollable flatulence” that had created an “intolerable” and “hostile” work environment, “releasing [of] the awful and unpleasant odor”, and “continuous releasing of your bodily gas and the terrible smell that comes with the gas.”

Who says that public servants can’t get in trouble for farting around?

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