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Justin Bieber: Diary of a Douchebag

1 Sep

Justin Bieber.  He’s an evocative person.  If you’re a girl aged ten to fourteen, he’s someone you dream of being with.  For everyone else, he’s someone you dream of punching in the face.  Except, of course, for Bieber himself; to him he’s the coolest person on the planet.  You and I, however, know differently.

Justin Bieber is a douchebag.

How does a douchebag spend his time?  Doing douchebaggy things of course.   Here is a recap of Bieb’s year so far, in all its glorious douchebaggery.

In March, Bieber got caught trying to smuggle his pet capuchin, Malley, into Germany without the proper papers.  What’s a capuchin?  Whilst you might think it’s a Pokémon, it is actually a type of monkey that douchebags like to own.  Although I suspect Biebs probably owns a lot of Pokémon too.

Not even his monkey likes him.

Not even his monkey likes him.

Malley was put into quarantine, but Bieber never collected the poor capuchin, so German customs eventually donated him to a wildlife park (Malley, not Bieber) and issued a bill of $1500 to cover the cost of caring for it in the meantime.  Bieber hasn’t paid, hasn’t collected Malley, and has since bought a new monkey.

First of all, only Michael Jackson is allowed to have a pet monkey.  Secondly, if you’re going to get a pet, don’t give it a stupid name like Malley.  Dub him something timeless like Bubbles.  Last of all, don’t try to smuggle one into a country and then refuse to cough up the $1500 needed to look after it when you get caught.  What a tightwad.  He would make that cash in less time than it would take him to read this post, and not because of his presumably low grade reading skills.

In June, Bieber was charged for a hit and run on a photographer outside an LA nightclub.  A little bit naughty, but if you’re going to (allegedly) commit a misdemeanour, at least be original and not commit one that every other troubled star has already committed.  So clichéd.

In July, Bieber (allegedly) spat on fans from a hotel room in Toronto.  Knowing his fans, they probably felt honoured to have Bieb’s saliva on them, but that’s not really the point.

Also in July, Justin peed in a cleaning bucket at a restaurant, told the staff that they were lucky to have such a big celebrity pee in the place, and sprayed a pic of Bill Clinton with detergent yelling ‘[Fudge] you Clinton!’  How do we know this happened?  He had his entourage film it.  Perhaps for his next music video.

Bieber peeing into a restaurant bucket.  And possibly also pooping into his pants.

Bieber peeing into a restaurant bucket. And possibly also pooping into his pants by the looks of it.

A few weeks ago, fans at one of Bieber’s concerts were throwing items on stage.  Unfortunately these items were symbols of adoration, not explosives or starving Rottweilers with a hankering for Canadian wieners.  Nonetheless annoyed, Bieber took a girl’s iPhone, shoved it in his pants, and then threw it into the crowd in the opposite direction from where the girl was.  Classy.  That phone now has chlamydia.

Around the same time as the iPhone-my-junk incident, Bieber started a brawl in a night club because someone was talking to a girl he was trying to hit on.  The poor victim was just trying to retrieve a bow-tie he had leant the girl, but ended up being subjected to a stream of verbal abuse by Bieber and some roughhousing by his entourage.  Later, when the victim left the club, Bieber drove around the car park trying to find him.  As one witness fantastically described it, Biebs “jumped out the sunroof of his car and slid down the car like he was in Die Hard…He dropped his shirt and threw his hat and wanted to throw hands. His people surrounded [the victim], who was getting punched from all angles.”  What’s an entourage for if not for holding someone helpless whilst you bash them with your shirt off?  Oh right, filming you pee into a bucket.  I forgot.

"What do you mean someone just compared me to Bieber?"

“What do you mean someone just compared me to Bieber?”

And then finally this happened.  A couple of weeks ago photos emerged of Bieber doing something that is totally not weird: serenading his grandmother naked.  Yep, armed with only a guitar to cover his instrument, Justin sang to his grandmother to wish her a happy Thanksgiving Day, with typically cerebral Bieber lyrics such as, “I love you grandma, how are you, hello grandma.”  Her reaction?  Go put some clothes on.  Good call Granny Biebs.

Dear lord Bieber.  Even the guitar has a g-string.

Dear lord Bieber. Even the guitar at least has a g-string.

So what does the future hold for Bieber?  To what new heights of douchebaggery can he reach?  Who knows?  Although one can hope it involves twerking with Miley Cyrus.

12 of Shakespeare’s Best Insults

18 Jun

There are few things in life better than watching a douchebag get shot down with a killer insult.  One of those things is being the person who delivers the insult.

Even better is cutting someone down with a Shakespearean insult.

Shakespeare was the master of the sly slur, the pithy insult, and the all out brutal audio assault.  And so, to help you achieve your dreams of peerless insult passing, Hesaidwhatnow? presents twelve of the best Shakespearean insults.

12. “Thou sodden-witted lord!  Thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows.”

Troilus and Cressida

A way better option that the classic, “You’re stupid,” this zinger from Thersites to Ajax will let your target know what you think of them.  Unless they’re really thick.

11. “They lie deadly that tell you you have good faces.”

Coriolanus

If you have a “You’re stupid,” insult up your sleeve, you need a “You’re ugly,” insult too, right?

10.  “More of your conversation would infect my brain.”

Coriolanus

A perfect little quip to silence anyone battering you with inane chatter.  As handy for a night out with drunk people as for a meeting with the boss.

9. “Thou crusty batch of nature.”

 Troilus and Cressida

Like Voltron and Captain Planet, when these five words combine they become a devastating weapon that will rip heart out of any enemy.

Forget the environment - go insult someone!

Forget the environment – go insult someone!

8. “Thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou whoreson obscene greasy tallow-catch”

“This sanguine coward, this bed-presser, this horse-back-breaker, this huge hill of flesh.”

Henry IV, Part I

Let’s see: in this demoralising rant, Hal calls his friend Falstaff stupid twice, a son of a whore, a coward, and fat in four different ways.  Imagine the insults he saves for his enemies!

7. “You starveling, you elf-skin, you dried neat’s tongue, you bull’s pizzle, you stock-fish – O for breath to utter what is like thee! – you tailor’s yard, you sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing tuck.”

Henry IV, Part I

Not to be outdone, an outraged Falstaff gives as good as he gets, insulting Hal so variously that he needs to take a breath halfway through to continue crafting his curses.  Perhaps if he wasn’t four types of fat he wouldn’t run out of breath so easily…

6. “You should be women and yet your beards forbid me to interpret that you are so.”

Macbeth

In the context of the play, this is not meant so much as an insult to the three witches being described, but a means of notifying the audience of how ugly and therefore scary they are.  However, out of context it makes a great insult.  I recommend using it when your girlfriend and her friends are about to embark on a girls’ night out.  You’ll have to sleep on the couch, but it will be worth it.

5. “Thine face is not worth sunburning.”

Henry V

Short, sharp, and cuttingly to the point – you’re so ugly that not even the sun can be bothered disfiguring you more.

4. “I shall cut out your tongue.”

“’Tis no matter.  I shall speak as much wit as thou afterwards.”

Troilus and Cressida

Up to their usual tricks, Ajax slurs Thersites, who in turn quickly insults Ajax right back with this sharp rejoinder.  Checkmate.

3. “Methinks thou art a general offence, and every man should beat thee.”

All’s Well That Ends Well

Not even Thersites could manufacture a comeback to that.

 

"Yo mama is so fatteth..."  Oh yes, that is good!

“Yo mama is so fatteth…” Oh yes, that is good!

2. “I must tell you friendly in your ear, sell when you can, you are not for all markets.”

As You Like It

Evidence that the ages old trick of prefacing a negative comment with, “No offence, but…” is, in fact, an ages old trick.  Here, Rosalind essentially tells Phebe that she should accept Silvius’ courtship because she’s not exactly a catch, and a better opportunity is unlikely to present itself.  No introductory words soften that blow.

1. “A knave, a rascal, an eater of broken meats, a base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy worsted-stocking knave; a lily-livered, action-taking, whoreson, glass-gazing, super-serviceable, finical rogue; one-trunk-inheriting slave; one that wouldst be a bawd in way of good service, and art nothing but the composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pander, and the son and heir of a mongrel bitch, one whom I will beat into clamorous whining if thous deniest the least syllable of thy addition.”

Wow.  This is the answer that Oswald receives when he asks Kent, “What dost thou know me for?”  I bet he wishes he could take back the question.

Ah Shakespeare – he truly was the greatest wordsmith of all time.

Funny Sports Photos – Part 1

16 Jun

Sports are great.  Men and women at the peak of human condition, mesmerising all who watch with skill, speed, strength, and grace.  As they capture our imaginations, others wait poised with cameras, hoping to capture those magical sports moments that become the stuff of legend and make them immortal.

Luckily that also means that chances are someone will capture those moments where athletes make fools of themselves in front of the world.  In what I hope to be the first of many articles on the topic, here are ten of the funniest sports photos ever taken.

The Kiss

epicsport8

I know soccer players have enthusiastic post-goal celebrations, but a man pash is perhaps a bit over the top.  Although it is nice to see opposition players getting on so well.  That caress of the bosom looks so tender and loving…

Rhythm  Gymnastics Isn’t Weird At All

epicsport26

It’s been a while since I’ve gone bowling, but I’m pretty sure this isn’t textbook technique.

In Your Face!

epicsport6

It’s a good job this guy wore a helmet, otherwise he could’ve got hurt.  But seriously though, how hard is it to not let yourself get hit in the head with a baseball?

Touche

thumbs_timed-022

Quite hard apparently.

And the Winner Is…

thumbs_timed-023

…not this guy.  He could have at least waited until he got back to the team hotel before trashing everything.  Meanwhile the guy in the background is obviously wondering whether he’s about to get fired.

Permission For Launch

epicsport18

I’m really hoping that what’s happening here is one of the greatest divebombs of all time.

No Sweat

epicsport17

You know things are desperate when you resort to playing defence like this.  It might not be a foul, but it is foul.  I can’t quite tell whether Yao Ming is shocked or in the throws of ecstasy – all I know is that this is the most unique defensive tactic I’ve ever seen.

You’ve Picked the Wrong Man

funny-basketball-picture

I stand corrected.

A Bit of a Stretch

epicsport7

“Handball?  Handball?!?  I can’t even reach that far!!!”

A Headache

epicsport5

I’m not a professional hurdler, but I would have thought it would have been easier to go over the hurdle.

Dirty Sounding Athlete Names – Basketball Edition

13 Jun

Dirtiest Sounding Athlete Names – Basketball Edition

Being the mature, sophisticated individual that I am, I thought I would do a list of the ten dirtiest sounding names in sport.  The thing is, when doing some research on the topic, I found that there were way more than ten names that needed recognition.  Therefore I have decided to do a series of warm up lists to whet everyone’s appetite before getting to the gold standard of naughty names.  And so enjoy this list, the ten dirtiest sounding athlete names in basketball.  Warning: bad double entendres ahead.

10. Dick Harter

Whether or not his first name is a noun or a verb, Dick Harter always elicits a giggle.  Or a moan of ecstasy.

9. Hot Rod Williams

You could be forgiven for thinking that Hot Rod was a porn star and not a baller.  Either way he’s been described as a ‘skilled big man with a soft touch and good hands’.

I’ve come to clean ze pool…

8. Ken Bone

This coach was known for drilling his team hard and making them work up a sweat.

7. Mo Cheeks

Another player who sounds like he should have been a porn star, Mo Cheeks was an expert at handling balls.

6. Phyllis Mangina

With a name like this, I’m not sure how Phyllis Mangina was allowed to play in the women’s league.

5. Pee-Wee Gash

This guy’s name is just horrible.

4. Gregor Fucka

This Italian star became a cult hero of the 2000 Sydney Olympics.  Not necessarily because of his play, but rather because Australians loved yelling out ‘Fucka!  Fucka!  Go you Fucka!’

3. Ivana Mandic

I’m sure her name is pronounced ‘man-dich’, but still, what a hell of an efficient way of letting people know what you want.

Ivana Mandic. I bet you do.

2. Magic Johnson

He probably should let the ladies decide for themselves.  Although in fairness, Magic was great at penetrating defences and finishing at the hole.

1. Chubby Cox

Presumably only during the post-game shower.

RIP Chris Kelly aka Daddy Mac of Kriss Kross

2 May

In a very sad day for lovers of 90s rap, weird hair, and getting dressed in the dark, Chris Kelly, one half of rap duo Kriss Kross, died today.  Kelly, aka Mac Daddy, and his hip hop partner, Chris Smith, aka Daddy Mac, burst onto the music scene in 1992 with their song Jump.  It was number one on the US Billboard Charts for eight weeks and ended up a double platinum hit.  Admittedly they didn’t do much after that, but still, that’s one more number one single than Bob Marley ever had, so obviously they’re better, right?

Details are unclear at this stage as to how Kelly died, so I don’t want to Jump to any conclusions (zing!) but early reports suggest that it might be a drug overdose, which would be wiggedy wiggedy wiggedy wack.  Either way, at just 34, Kelly’s life is Totally Krossed Out.

This is the only image of Kriss Kross in which they are wearing some clothing the correct way around.

This is the only image of Kriss Kross in which they are wearing some clothing the correct way around.

Meanwhile there were two things reported by the media that haven’t been given enough attention.  Firstly, the investigator from the Fulton County Medical Examiner’s office in charge of investigating Kelly’s death is named Betty Honey.  Clearly this is a hip hop alias, and I for one am concerned that there’s a conflict of interest here.  If I had anything to say about it, I’d ensure Honey kept her sticky fingers out of the situation.  Secondly, multiple media outlets have reported that during the height of their popularity, Kriss Kross released a video game.  For some reason, I find this the most disturbing aspect of the story.

But it is always sad whenever someone dies before their time, even if we haven’t heard from them in over two decades.  So I urge everyone to pay tribute to Mac Daddy in the way that we know he would appreciate the most – by wearing our clothes backwards tomorrow.

RIP Chris Kelly.