Harry Potter and the Chinese Knockoffs

11 Dec

Harry Potter and Platform Nine and Three-Quarters

This book is either completely uninspired or a work of incomparable literary genius.  Essentially, it’s the first book in the real J.K. Rowling series, only written entirely in first person.  Very avant-garde.  The natural progression from here is to translate the story into interpretative dance.  Actually, I’m sure someone has already done that.

Harry Potter and the Chinese Porcelain Doll

Why is Harry a science professor?

Is that Harry?  And why is he a science professor?

Voldemort – who for some reason is called Mysterious Man in this story – travels to China to recruit Yandomort in his quest to defeat Harry.  Harry discovers this terrible plot, and heads to China himself in order to find the Chinese Porcelain Doll, perhaps the only thing that can stop Yandomort.

Harry takes a steamship – because when you’re desperate to get across the globe to avoid being murdered there is no quicker mode of transport – where he befriends Long Long and Xing Xing, who are part of a Chinese circus.  They discover that Naughty Bubble, the boy with the fear inducing name who bullied Xing Xing at school, is none other than Yandomort!  Not only that, but they learn that Voldemort killed Naughty Bubble’s mother, Big Spinach, and used dark magic to turn him into Yandomort.

I have no idea how Harry and the circus kids defeat the ‘Mort brothers, or whether Yandomort finds out how his mother was killed and turns on Voldemort, but I hope the climax involves the ghost of Big Spinach.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blooded Relative Prince

One could be forgiven for thinking this was an illegal copy of the actual sixth instalment in the J.K. Rowling series, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, albeit one where the title was google translated from English to Chinese, then google translated back into English.  You would be wrong though, because in this adventure, Harry is the bad guy!

Yes, Harry gets fed up with the short comings of Hogwarts, and transfers to Qroutes School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, the best school in Asia.  However, there he is lured by the dark side, and starts conjuring evil monsters.  How evil?  Well put it this way: he names one of them Little Fatty Fortune.  Great Hagrid’s beard, the horror!

Luckily for us all, Asian students are way better than their Western counterparts, and the young witches and wizards from Qroutes defeat him.  And for good measure, according to the plot summary, they also give him a physical beat down just for the fun of it.  Bit harsh isn’t it?  I’m not sure harming such a favourite character is the best way to please fans of the series.  That would be like killing Dumbledore or something.

Harry Potter and the Filler of Big

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Yes, that is an image of Daniel Radcliffe from the movie with a cartoon Harry face stuck over the top.

Also referred to as Harry Potter and the Big Funnel, this story commences after Harry’s sixth year at Hogwarts.  Harry has had a particular bad summer at the Dursleys, because Dudley has a new girlfriend – who is a belly dancer.  In my view, that should be the focus of the whole story, or at least a side novella; there is a lot of explaining that needs to be done there.  However, the action shifts to Harry’s preparations for his new job as an intern sorcerer at Honiton School.  As he is about report for his job, Bat Bug warns him that trouble is brewing and he is danger.  But what is the danger?  And more importantly, who is Bat Bug?  Is he an associate of the Dark Knight in another epic crossover?  Or is it the Chinese title for Dobby the house-elf?

In any event, Bat Bug isn’t mistaken.  At Honiton School, horror is befalling the students, a horror worse than anything you could imagine: one by one they are turning into…wooden stools!  Harry isn’t sure who the culprit is: an evil student, Hagrid going off the rails, or Voldemort.  And then there are questions about the Filler of Big.

I don’t know how this story ends, but I’m guessing those kids turning into stools has something to do with the Filler of Big.  He might make a good sorcerer, but if Harry can’t figure that much out, he is not a very good detective.

Harry Potter and the Showdown

The story of how this book came about is great. Before the final J.K. Rowling book came out, a man bought his son the first six books in the series.  When he had finished reading them, the son was desperate to find out how it all ended, and couldn’t wait for the finale to be released.  What did the dad do?  He made up the final book!  And in keeping with China’s attitude to copyright law, he posted it online, and then his story was put into print without his permission.  Yes, that means Harry Potter and the Showdown is an unauthorised story within an unauthorised book.  In other words, the Inception of intellectual property theft.

But who cares – the story sounds amazing!  The action begins after the events of the real sixth book, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (not to be confused with Harry Potter and the Half-Blooded Relative Prince).  Harry goes back to stay with the Dursleys one last time before attending Bill’s wedding – only for Snape to show up unexpectedly and completely ruin it!  Curse you Snape you jaded old crank!

Snape then heads to Azkaban to free Lucious Malfoy, whilst Harry and his friends return to Hogwarts, which has been reopened by Professor McGonagall and her new deputy Professor Slughorn.  Harry practices charms furiously in order to defeat Snape, but the real key is when Cho Chang gives Slughorn a book from China called Thirty-Six Strategies, which he uses to devise a plan that will allow Harry to trap Snape at the Ministry of Magic.

Then tragedy strikes!  McGonagall is assassinated – by none other than Gryffindor’s sword! I don’t know how that happens, or why, or what problem the sword has with McGonagall, but what a plot twist!  I would never have seen that coming.  Neither did McGonagall by the sound of it.

The tale climaxes with the inevitable confrontation between Harry and Voldemort, which takes place at Azkaban.  Voldemort tries to woo him to the dark side, on the basis that Harry is a descendant of Slytherin and belongs by his side, but Harry refuses to join the forces of darkness, and with the help of Ron and Hermione, defeats Voldemort once and for all.

And then comes the best bit of the entire description of the book: “what will Harry do with his two girlfriends?”  What?! Harry’s in a love triangle?!  With whom?!?!?  I’m guessing Chang and Ginny, but based on what we know of these knock offs it could be anyone – Hermione, Luna, or even Big Spinach!  I’ve lost my breath just thinking about this book.  Time to catch the first steamboat to China and get a copy.  Fingers crossed there won’t be a sweet and sour rain on the journey.

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